Humorous Real Life Conversations

[Trident]

Two friends and I were talking about music last weekend...

Me: "If you could see any band in concert, dead or alive, who would it be?"
Hannah: "Queen"
Me: "The Rolling Stones"
Lisa: "Guys, I really really want to see Kelly Clarkson"

[NOTKyle]

I don't see the humour.

[Trident]

Then you must be German.

[Limp]

Humorous real life conversations

[NOTKyle]

Then you must be German.

And you must

eat farts

[The GWD]

Two friends and I were talking about music last weekend...

Me: "If you could see any band in concert, dead or alive, who would it be?"

There's clearly only one (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dead_or_Alive_(band)) answer.

[WET HOT MESS]

Sister: My friend emailed me this quiz.
Me:...
Sister: Aren't you interested?
Me: No. But tell me anyway. It beats the shit out of listening to these old people talk about ....
Aunt at a distance: AND SHE TOOK A SHIT ON HER GRANDSON! I mean, it happens to old people, being unable to control their, you know...
Sister: Ewww, old people poo. But I took a quiz about which seven deadly sin I'm supposed to be.
Me: And...?
Sister: It said I'm warth...? (She answered it like she was asking a question, just like in that episode of Family Guy with Brian's dumb gf.)
Me: Warth?
Sister: YEAH. WARTH.
Me: There's no warth. That's not a deadly sin. I don't think that's even a word. It's wrath, you bum. Just because these people make a typo in these stupid quizzes you take online does not give you an excuse to be stupid like them.
Sister: I'm not stupid. And I took the test again and it said I was envy.
Me: That doesn't... don't stray away from the subject. And what the hell do you have to envy others about?
Sister: Jennifer. Her mom let her dye her hair purple and pink and have crazy bangs and wear make up. And she's got a new wardrobe. It's so colorful and she's got these checkered Converses... I think they're Converses.
Me: I should slap the shit out of you. Didn't I teach you better?
Sister: I'm better than [insert name of a girl/slut/whore we know]. I don't post pictures of my boobs on myspace. She flew across the country to bang some stranger she met online.
Me: Don't compare yourself to the worst. You're a moron. That's like saying, I'm retarded, but at least I'm not dead.
Sister: Well I'm not retarded.
Me: What's the square root of 4?
Sister: What? One?

[White.Rabbit]

boy: I love you, but you're such a fucking bitch.
me: But I suck your dick good so shut the fuck up.
boy: Yes ma'am.

[BIG PIZZLE]

I was walking down the hall to my new receptionist's desk while I pass my boss walking in the opposit direction.

Me: *walk, walk*
Boss: *Pointing to my shirt* I really like that color.
Me: *walk, walk*
Me (talking to receptionist): I think I just got sexually harrassed by Wayne.
Receptionist: You should get used to it.
Me: That makes two of us.

[NOTKyle]

boy: I love you, but you're such a fucking bitch.
me: But I suck your dick good so shut the fuck up.
boy: Yes ma'am.

You really want all of us to think you're a slut.

[Bill Paxton]

Every one of Pizzle's "humorous" convos is about how sassy he is at the office and every one of Tara's convos are about how much cock she smokes.

[White.Rabbit]

true say man

[BIG PIZZLE]

Every one of Pizzle's "humorous" convos is about how sassy he is at the office and every one of Tara's convos are about how much cock she smokes.

I'm basically at the office 12 hours a day and I sleep for 5; you od the math.

[White.Rabbit]

omg ur like, so important

[pyro]

woman who works in it security: we had an issue getting some of the private files off of a hard drive you sent us.
me: all drives i send to you must be physically destroyed (drilled) so that nobody can get sensitive data off of them.
woman: yes, physically destroyed, not electronically.
me:...

[White.Rabbit]

me: What does your brother do?
friend: He drives a forklift and he makes $1000 every two weeks.
me: Shit. I'd drive a forklift for a grand.
friend: I'd drive a fortlift and suck everyone's nuts.

[Philip Lombard]

$500/week is nothing.

[White.Rabbit]

hes only like, 14 or 15

[Philip Lombard]

asshole

[Face]

I don't get out of bed for $500/week

[Kerjack]

hes only like, 14 or 15
Pretty sure you have to be at least 15 to legally work that sort of job. Also he has his license (forklift) at 15?

[Bizz]

Pretty sure you have to be at least 15 to legally work that sort of job. Also he has his license (forklift) at 15?

But he can totally suck nuts.

[Jack Bauer]

he must suck nuts

*damn you bizzle*

[Marshy]

I once said something to my imaginary friend but he never answered my question.

We are no longer talking.

[Archetype]

I'm basically at the office 12 hours a day and I sleep for 5; you od the math.
I like how you said nothing about being "sassy."

[RedBEARD]

ME: What do you think of that new chick at ***?
WA: Who, the blond?
ME: Yeah, I don't know her name.
WA: Don't bother, I hear she's into poon herself.
ME: Then at least we'd have something in common to talk about.

We were both at work until around 11:30 PM last night...

[Bill Paxton]

I'm basically at the office 12 hours a day and I sleep for 5; you od the math.

And why does that make you sassy?

[White.Rabbit]

Pretty sure you have to be at least 15 to legally work that sort of job. Also he has his license (forklift) at 15?
omg, it's illegal. you better call the cops

[Stax]

omg, it's illegal. you better call the cops

Operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Me: There's this totally hot asian chick only with nice juicy titties and she won't show me pics
Operator: Sir I-
Me: I'm all like "Show me ur boobs!" and nice and shit and she's like "Hahahahah yea" and then doesn't.

[White.Rabbit]

hahahaah awesome

[Bill Paxton]

That wasn't funny. In fact nothing in this thread has been funny. You clods need to step it up or stop posting.

[Philip Lombard]

People just aren't humorous in real life.

[Tar Heel]

I think people here are mistaking "God you're an idiot laughter" with "holy shit you're hilarious laughter".

[Philip Lombard]

I don't think anyone is laughing.

[White.Rabbit]

I'm humorous. I say awesome shit. but I never remember it

[Tar Heel]

LIES!

[feith]

Seems like most of these stories are 'had to be there' stories.

therefore nothing will be as funny on here as it was when it happened.

pointless to try.

[pyro]

eww...a "you had to be there thread"
lg5khjfJyWE

[Bill Paxton]

I think people are humorous in real life, but most humorous real life conversations are funny for the following reason...

Context - You know the people involved so their actions and what they say has a history to it.

Delivery- Half the time when i consider posting a convo in this thread i decide against it when I realize "hell that was actually only funny because of the way it was said.

Without these two things, most convos that were funny at the time are not going to appear funny in writing. Some convos can stand on their own, but most of the crap that is posted in here does not.

[Blue]

That was funnier when you tried it out on your mum!

[WET HOT MESS]

Matt was funnier when he used to cut himself.

[Blue]

...and cried when he ejaculated.

[WET HOT MESS]

He used to put guyliner on while brainstorming his next poem. That was talent.

[BIG PIZZLE]

Here's a conversation that's got a pretty sweet story in it from my buddy. It's a cool fucking story and it is humorous at points because me and my friends are better than you. And it's a story NOT from work. It's me on the phone coming home from work today.

Me: Wuddup *****
Buddy: Yo .. you in your car?
Me: Yeah.
Buddy: What happend to your bluetooth? (snicker)
Me: Fuck you, asshole. Speaking of, guess who's banging a stripper tonight?
Buddy: Your mom.
Me: No, me asshole.
Buddy: No, I was saying that your mom is a stripper, and now the fact that you're gonna bang her makes it even cooler.
Me: Fuck you.
Buddy: So alright, I'll see your stripper story and raise you two hot neighbors.
Me: Do tell!
Buddy: So I'm coming home from work and walking up to my door last night. Adn this blond gets out of the door next to me and passes down the hall. Shorts, take top, no bra, big fake tits.
Me: Awesome.
Buddy: I'm in my suit cuz I just came back from work. I get inside put on some shorts and a t and smoke a bowl... I get a knock at the door. I'm freaking out cuz there's weed everywhere... But It's this bitch, she wants to borrow some olive oil.
Me: Ohmygod.
Buddy: So I hit her up with some olive oil a few minutes later a knock at the door. A different girl with my olive oil. She's a little shorter than the blonde, a brunette not as hot but still totally doable.
Me: I would fuck her. I would fuck her just off your lame description.
Buddy: Yes you would fuck her.
Me: I would fuck her.
Buddy: Anyways, the brunette's like "thanks for the olive oil, my roomate's a very good cook." And I was like, "that's nice.." and I shut the door.
Me: That's all you said?
Buddy: Yeah, I didnt know what to say, I was all stoned.
Me: You should have said, "you know who else is an excellent cook... MY WIFE."
Buddy: Fuck you.
Me: That's still pretty good tho, I've got this black crackhead looking bitch that just moved a couple apts down that always talks shit to me but nothing like that. I wouldnt fuck her tho, cuz she's a crack head.
Buddy: Not cuz she's black?
Me: No dude, I'll fuck a black girl, I dont care... if she's cute, I just wont tell my grandma about it.
Buddy: What?
Me: No seriously, she would freak out.
Buddy: DUDE!
Me: Naw I'm just kidding I couldnt tell my grandma, she's dead.
Buddy: Dude what the fuck?

[Gary_Busey]

You're good at creating conversations that never happened.

[POO POO CANNON]

Me: Do tell!



Fag.

[Philip Lombard]

You're good at creating conversations that never happened.
i'm thinking i agree with this

[NOTKyle]

It's not cool or funny enough for it to be made up.

[RedBEARD]

ME: IT, this is ------.
Caller: Hello, I'm having a problem with my PC!
ME: Okay, what's going on?
Caller: I tried to shut down and it says, "Other users are on your computer, if you log off...[blah,blah,blah]." Should I be concerned?!
ME: Probably not, but tell me which office you're in and I'll see if I can assist.
Caller: I'm not in an office, I'm at home.
ME: ...
Caller: HELLO?!
ME: Ma'am are you an employee of ----------?
Caller: No, I'm disabled, can you help me?
ME: *presses mute button* Why the hell did I answer the phone?

[TheImpossibleMan]

I was talking to my best friend's unbelievably annoying younger brother.

Me: See, Stephen, the problem is that you're completely unwilling to admit when you make mistakes.
Stephen: *blustering* That's ridiculous, I never make mistakes!

I lol'd, especially at the way he said it with zero hesitation.

[Jericho]

YOU should never ever say that to anyone

[WET HOT MESS]

Earlier tonight.

Sister: I have money!! I'm gunna buy candy!
Me: REALLY?!?!
Sister: YEAH! Did you know when you eat candy, they give you a free tattoo?
Me: COOL! What kind of tattoo? Does it have color?
Sister: UH HUH! It looks like a tramp stamp, but on your teeth. Sometimes it's black, sometimes it's yellow. Sometimes it's BROWN!! The temporarily tattoos have more colors, but it's soo cool!
Me: AWESOME! Have fun with your teeth tramp stamp.
Sister: Bitch.

[vasili denisov]

Earlier tonight.

Sister: I have money!! I'm gunna buy candy!
Me: REALLY?!?!
Sister: YEAH! Did you know when you eat candy, they give you a free tattoo?
Me: COOL! What kind of tattoo? Does it have color?
Sister: UH HUH! It looks like a tramp stamp, but on your teeth. Sometimes it's black, sometimes it's yellow. Sometimes it's BROWN!! The temporarily tattoos have more colors, but it's soo cool!
Me: AWESOME! Have fun with your teeth tramp stamp.
Sister: Bitch.
I wrote this, then I was like, maybe the late night is affecting your judgement, too far? So mods, edit/delete at will.

Here's my contribution to tonight's creepiness:

For some reason, that dialogue triggered this story in my head. I picture Genie and me actually meeting up IRL. We're at some mall court having a meal, and she's like, you're so not weird IRL it's hilarious, and I'm like, and you're so normal, it's amazing. And then we go over to her house to say hello to her family, and she's like, everyone might be gone for a while except for my sis. And she points out her sister's room and is like, just go in and say hi, and she gets something from the kitchen. I go into this room, but it's completely empty.

And I shout, "She doesn't seem to be here". And Genie's like, "Check under the bed". And like an idiot, I shout under the bed, "HELLO?" And there's a voice, that sounds a lot like Genie's, but all muffled. And again, Genie in another room shouts, "Just grab her out from under the bed". And I shout, "She still acts like a little kid?" And Genie shouts back, "She'll be a kid forever!" And I hear this muffled sound from under the bed, and I pull something, but it's cold and cardboard, and at the last moment, I think, maybe Genie can throw her voice like a ventriloquist, and maybe she is really, really, really fucking weird. But that's the last great thought Captain Genius has before he pulls out an open cardboard box with a baby's bones in it, and I go "Ohgodohgodohgodohgod", then something real hard knocks me in the head.

[Jericho]

What in the world are you on,man?

[The GWD]

You lost me somewhere.

[AJ]

I wrote this, then I was like, maybe the late night is affecting your judgement, too far? So mods, edit/delete at will.

Here's my contribution to tonight's creepiness:

For some reason, that dialogue triggered this story in my head. I picture Genie and me actually meeting up IRL. We're at some mall court having a meal, and she's like, you're so not weird IRL it's hilarious, and I'm like, and you're so normal, it's amazing. And then we go over to her house to say hello to her family, and she's like, everyone might be gone for a while except for my sis. And she points out her sister's room and is like, just go in and say hi, and she gets something from the kitchen. I go into this room, but it's completely empty.

And I shout, "She doesn't seem to be here". And Genie's like, "Check under the bed". And like an idiot, I shout under the bed, "HELLO?" And there's a voice, that sounds a lot like Genie's, but all muffled. And again, Genie in another room shouts, "Just grab her out from under the bed". And I shout, "She still acts like a little kid?" And Genie shouts back, "She'll be a kid forever!" And I hear this muffled sound from under the bed, and I pull something, but it's cold and cardboard, and at the last moment, I think, maybe Genie can throw her voice like a ventriloquist, and maybe she is really, really, really fucking weird. But that's the last great thought Captain Genius has before he pulls out an open cardboard box with a baby's bones in it, and I go "Ohgodohgodohgodohgod", then something real hard knocks me in the head.

Wow, stop.

[Bastard]

I wrote this, then I was like, maybe the late night is affecting your judgement, too far? So mods, edit/delete at will.

Here's my contribution to tonight's creepiness:

For some reason, that dialogue triggered this story in my head. I picture Genie and me actually meeting up IRL. We're at some mall court having a meal, and she's like, you're so not weird IRL it's hilarious, and I'm like, and you're so normal, it's amazing. And then we go over to her house to say hello to her family, and she's like, everyone might be gone for a while except for my sis. And she points out her sister's room and is like, just go in and say hi, and she gets something from the kitchen. I go into this room, but it's completely empty.

And I shout, "She doesn't seem to be here". And Genie's like, "Check under the bed". And like an idiot, I shout under the bed, "HELLO?" And there's a voice, that sounds a lot like Genie's, but all muffled. And again, Genie in another room shouts, "Just grab her out from under the bed". And I shout, "She still acts like a little kid?" And Genie shouts back, "She'll be a kid forever!" And I hear this muffled sound from under the bed, and I pull something, but it's cold and cardboard, and at the last moment, I think, maybe Genie can throw her voice like a ventriloquist, and maybe she is really, really, really fucking weird. But that's the last great thought Captain Genius has before he pulls out an open cardboard box with a baby's bones in it, and I go "Ohgodohgodohgodohgod", then something real hard knocks me in the head.

That is, quite simply, a bloody marvelous film. Some people were taken back by the gratuitous sex and violence but I thought it only enhanced the story. I did empathize with what happened to your character, but to be fair, all my African American friends and I did stand up and yell at the screen for you not to go in there. You really should have listened. I do hope that this isn’t bastardized into an American remake, as that is what happens to all successful Asian horror films.

[rustytulip]

I don't usually read long posts like that and now I know why. You are a deeply deeply disturbed human being. Thanks for sharing though!

[Bill Paxton]

It's not cool or funny enough for it to be made up.


Yeah, not like my humorous real life conversation...

<im driving home from work in my Ashton Martin>
car noises: vroooooooooooooom

my cell phone rings and I answer.

Me: Talk to me. <glances down at Cartier watch>

My friend T-bone: Yo dude, you gonna sleep with those super models tonight?

Me: I dunno, we'll see, them or some other mega hot slutz

T-bone: Yo my neighbors borrowed olive oil from me

Me: I'd stab them with my dick

T-bone: You da man!

Me: Woozle wozzle

T-bone: Ellow EL!

[Da Raider]

During Taco Tuesday...

Bro: I love Taco Tuesday
Me: Yup
Bro: And I love Jabanero sauce
Me: Oh yeah
Bro: But...(starts frowning)
Me: (nodding in acknowledgement)
Bro: Taco Tuesdays...Jabanero Wednesdays
Me: Yeah, I've been on that schedule too. Brutal.
Bro: But it tastes so good. (pours more Jabanero sauce on tacos)
Me: It's a good burn. (pours more Jabanero sauce on tacos)

[Limp]

This thread title lies.

[AJ]

I don't know what's more unfunny in this thread. The conversations that are supposed to be funny, or the people that come in and say how unfunny these conversations are.

[Limp]

I don't know what's more unfunny in this thread. The conversations that are supposed to be funny, the people that come in and say how unfunny these conversations are, or AJ cause he's a stupid unfunny fucker.

[AJ]

Weak

[WET HOT MESS]

In the neighborhood, sister tagging along.

Female acquaintance (FA... or fatass): boys boobs, blah blah blah, I'm depressed again... I got sick on Sunday night...
Me: Um.. what? I saw you Sunday afternoon and you were jumping around and healthy as shit. The fuck make you sick?
FA: Oh, I went to the hospital and they told me I had bronchitis.
Me: Um... how?
FA: See, it's my air conditioner. I always get sick around that thing. And it's broken so we can't turn it off...
Me: Bronchitis is the inflammation of the bronchial tubes...what does that have to with your AC?
FA: No, listen, I get sick whenever it's cold... *yap yap yap*
Me: *nods* Right, sure.
FA: *yaps for about an hour about having bronchitis and how her life sucks, then leaves*

Me:*turns to sister* The fuck kind of moron does she take me for?
Sister: I'm only 12 and that didn't even fool me. Like you said, she was healthy like shit Sunday afternoon.
Me: Exactly. Bronchitis???? From the AC? If you're gunna lie to me, you could at least make it believable. The AC. Getting sick when it's cold. This is coming from the same girl who goes to school in a black t shirt during the coldest of winter. The bitch is healthier than AIDS.
Sister: AIDS is healthy?
Me: Shut up, it keeps going and going, good enough.
Sister: Okay. Do you think when she said getting sick, she meant she got laid by some stranger again?
Me: Good observation. She did. She's a slut.
Sister: I wonder how many STDs does she have by now.
Me: Wow, you're almost as terrible as me.

[Philip Lombard]

kids say the darndest things

[steverino]

Virgin strawberry daiquiris for the kids is a good way to prep them for high school and a lifetime of boozing.

[NOTKyle]

Me: Woozle wozzle

Still hilarious.

[Bill Paxton]

Am I right or right?

[The Dude]

so i'm driving and stop by a drive thru atm last night. i get my money and to get back onto the main st you drive through a narrow alley and across the sidewalk etc, so you have to go slow and there's a warning light for pedestrians and all that.

i'm creeping (pun intended) out when i look to the right and about a 2 feet from the car there was this a smoking hottie. she looked at me and my friend for a second then put her head down and started to walk around the jeep. almost simultaneously i said not loud, not soft "i would fuck the shit out of you". i certainly didn't think it was loud enough for her to hear, but the windows were all the way down and as soon as the words came out of my mouth she looks back up with this mortified look on her face. my friend and i burst out laughing and drove off.


i dunno, i guess you had to be there.

[zeronine]

Me (talking to owner services department at work): Ok so when you find out this info call me back.

Owner Services Rep: Ok, what was your extension and name again?

Me: My name is Neal, and I'm at ext 4883.

OS Rep: Meal?

Me: Huh?

OS Rep: You said your name was Meal?

Me: Who the fuck do you know that has the name Meal? It's N-E-A-L.

OS Rep: M-E-A-L?

Me: *CLICK*

[Datači]

Humorous real life conversations

[Philip Lombard]

Humorous real life conversations

[Tenpinger]

People from high school word up!

[Face]

?

[Syndicate]

I was standing in the front yard of this house are remodelding today arguing with my father about something....

My Father: Well, why the fuck didn't it get finished?

Me: Because your FUCKING EMPLOYEES ARE LAZY.

Some 10 Year Old Girl Walking Down The Street On Her Way To School: HEY... You guys shouldn't cuss in front of little kids!

Me In A Fit Of Rage: Fuck you, you're gonna grow up to be a whore, and nobody will ever respect or love you.

*Little Girl Runs Away*

[Poop Sailboat]

...

[The GWD]

I was standing in the front yard of this house are remodelding today arguing with my father about something....

My Father: Well, why the fuck didn't it get finished?

Me: Because your FUCKING EMPLOYEES ARE LAZY.

Some 10 Year Old Girl Walking Down The Street On Her Way To School: HEY... You guys shouldn't cuss in front of little kids!

Me In A Fit Of Rage: Fuck you, you're gonna grow up to be a whore, and nobody will ever respect or love you.

*Little Girl Runs Away*

I don't believe it. I bet your face turned red and you apologized.

[mongo]

i bet the 10 year old was/is as tall as syn.

[WET HOT MESS]

Sister: Sis... what's a donkey punch?
Me: When you punch a donkey from behind. Except that donkey is a girl. And from behind means.. well.. that thing prisoners do.
Sister: YOU'RE A HORRIBLE SISTER.
Me: *takes a bow*

[Blue]

Me: *takes a blow*

Fixed

[Face]

I love you anita

[CobraAC]

Me asking a lady if she needs help in the store I work at.
Me: Need any help mam.
Her:No I'm ok I speak no English
HMM how did she understand me

[MDiver01]

because she knows enough to get by?

[Limp]

Back story: I knocked that shit out last night right after my daughter went to bed. I did such a good job my wife couldn't get out of bed for 20 minutes cause she was so dizzy and weak.

Once she got up and cleaned up she got on the phone with her grandmother at like 11pm because she is babysiting for us tonight.

Grandmother: So what did you do today?
Wife: [my daughters name] and I went grocery shopping and had a playdate this afternoon so she went to bed early. Mark and I have just been talking, watching some TV, and had sex.
Me: (Looks at her crazy and cracks up laughing as I leave the room.)
Wife: What are you laughing at?
Me: Nothing, come in here when you get off the phone...
*1 minute later
Wife: What were you laughing at?
Me: When you said what we were doing... you told your grandmother we had sex!
Wife: No I didn't, I said we talked, watched TV, and had snacks.
Me: Bullshit, you said sex. Call her back.

Come to find out, her grandmother heard the same thing I did but was too embarassed to say anything. She assumed she just heard my wife wrong.

I was watching my wifes face turn 20 different shades of red, laughing my ass off.

[mxlplkt]

The funny part is you actually satisfying a woman.

[Limp]

YOU GOT THA JOKE!

[Summer]

I could really use some snacks.

[Pax Britannia]

I could really use some snacks.

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y57/kb7rky/FARK%20Photos/ohoq9li7.jpg

[VoxAngelikus]

Hispanic Guy I work with: (Vox), did we buy the honey crips apples today?

Me: What?

Guy: The honey crips apples. Did we get them?

Me: It's honey crisp. CRISP. Not crips, dude.

Guy: What?

Me: You keep saying honey crips. You've been saying that for like, the past month. It's not a gang apple. It's a honey crisp.

[Blue]

Do yopu have Blood Oranges too?

http://en.wikivisual.com/images/e/e2/Blood_oranges.jpg

[Bill Paxton]

So me and some friends went out for brunch yesterday. I got a mimosa and my friends all got sangria. The sangria came with a cherry in it.

Me: Awww man, how come I don't get to have a cherry.
Justin: Because you were a slut back in highschool.

[Bill Paxton]

Justin: Me and my friends used to hunt beavers with a .22
Phil: Can you kill a beaver with a .22?
Justin: You can kill anything with a .22 if you shoot it enough times.

[hooshies]

Homeless guy: I'll buy your skin for $50
Me: Huh?
Homeless guy: Shiiiit. $40, but that's as low as I'll go.
Me: Do you even have $40?
Homeless guy: Gimme your skin, I'll give you $40

[NOTKyle]

If that actually happened it's hilarious.

[hooshies]

Random guy: Yo, lemme get a sip of that Gatorade
Me: Do I know you.
Random guy: It's me Johnny, lemme get a sip
Me: Um, no
Random guy: Fuck you then, punk ass

[hooshies]

I was walking down the street the other day, and this guy and girl stopped me (I figured to ask for directions, so I took my headphones off):

Guy: Have you ever heard about (something) in the Bible
Me: Sorry, I haven't read the Bible, I wouldn't know.
Girl: So you're not Christian...are you Jewish?
Me: Nope
Guy: Catholic?
Me: No
Guy: Muslim?
Me: No
Guy + Girl: What's wrong with you?

That's when the conversation ended.

[Datači]

So, I've got this old phone that has a little light bulb wich lights when the phone rings.

*phone rings*
Guy: wow, it has a light!
Me: Yeah
Guy: so even the deaf can see when it's ringing!
Me: ...


----
He was kinda stoned.

[WET HOT MESS]

Sister: (To dad) You're gay.
Dad: What?
Uncle: You are homo sex.. uh.
Sister: Um.. homosexual?
Uncle: Yes... ah.. homosex. Your father is ... the... homosex.
Sister: This is horrible.
Me: Goddamnit, of all days to not have my camera.

[Smuckers]

My mom to my dad: Let's play the belly button exploration game.

[medlar]

Week ago:
Faggotycuntface in denial passing by in hall: Faggit
Me : You wish.
FCF: Whut whut'd he say whut??
His bitch: You gonna beat his ass now?

Not really funny, well it is b/c this cunt is the one wanting to put his boot into me and generally mess me up bitch. I'm inviting him, but all he comes up w/ is muttering faggit every time he sees me lolz.

[6655321]

Week ago:
Faggotycuntface in denial passing by in hall: Faggit
Me : You wish.
FCF: Whut whut'd he say whut??
His bitch: You gonna beat his ass now?

Not really funny, well it is b/c this cunt is the one wanting to put his boot into me and generally mess me up bitch. I'm inviting him, but all he comes up w/ is muttering faggit every time he sees me lolz.

he wants to fuck you. in the ass.

[29a]

This thread is full of "you had to be there" conversations.

Except some stuff that Paxton and Vasili post (or used to post)

[Smuckers]

i sent this in an email to my mom...i await her response.....

" http://mail.google.com/mail/e/33Ahttp://mail.google.com/mail/e/33Ahttp://mail.google.com/mail/e/33A

when are you coming home"

[Morfin]

Can't some administrator just perma-ban this idiot? He is either a troll acting retarded in order to get attention, or he is actually retarded.

Edit: This post refers to a thankfully-deleted post by Smuckers.

[Daydreamer]

Week ago:
Faggotycuntface in denial passing by in hall: Faggit
Me : You wish.
FCF: Whut whut'd he say whut??
His bitch: You gonna beat his ass now?

Not really funny, well it is b/c this cunt is the one wanting to put his boot into me and generally mess me up bitch. I'm inviting him, but all he comes up w/ is muttering faggit every time he sees me lolz.


He's afraid of getting teh aidz from you when he bloodies you up.

[Smuckers]

Here's a real conversation I had with my mom via email..im sure someone will find it humorous.

Me: http://mail.google.com/mail/e/33Ahttp://mail.google.com/mail/e/33Ahttp://mail.google.com/mail/e/33A When are you coming home
Mom: I have an important meeting from 1-3 PM and will leave after that.
Me: No...........its too late http://mail.google.com/mail/e/33Ahttp://mail.google.com/mail/e/33A
Mom: I am stopping at the store, too. Let me know what you would like
Me: A Salad from Noodles N Company http://mail.google.com/mail/e/32B
Mom: I don't know if I can show my face. [comment: because she goes there so often]. Perhaps I will wear a Halloween mask. That's what I'll do.
Me: http://mail.google.com/mail/e/32B http://mail.google.com/mail/e/32B http://mail.google.com/mail/e/32B

[ruffdog]

Here's a real conversation I had with my mom via email..im sure someone will find it humorous.

Me: http://mail.google.com/mail/e/33Ahttp://mail.google.com/mail/e/33Ahttp://mail.google.com/mail/e/33A When are you coming home
Mom: I have an important meeting from 1-3 PM and will leave after that.
Me: No...........its too late http://mail.google.com/mail/e/33Ahttp://mail.google.com/mail/e/33A
Mom: I am stopping at the store, too. Let me know what you would like
Me: A Salad from Noodles N Company http://mail.google.com/mail/e/32B
Mom: I don't know if I can show my face. [comment: because she goes there so often]. Perhaps I will wear a Halloween mask. That's what I'll do.
Me: http://mail.google.com/mail/e/32B http://mail.google.com/mail/e/32B http://mail.google.com/mail/e/32B

WTF IS SO FUNNY?

[White.Rabbit]

......die.

[mxlplkt]

Best.Dupe.Ever.

[chipsahoy]

......die.

This funnier then

Here's a real conversation I had with my mom via email..im sure someone will find it humorous.

Me: http://mail.google.com/mail/e/33Ahttp://mail.google.com/mail/e/33Ahttp://mail.google.com/mail/e/33A When are you coming home
Mom: I have an important meeting from 1-3 PM and will leave after that.
Me: No...........its too late http://mail.google.com/mail/e/33Ahttp://mail.google.com/mail/e/33A
Mom: I am stopping at the store, too. Let me know what you would like
Me: A Salad from Noodles N Company http://mail.google.com/mail/e/32B
Mom: I don't know if I can show my face. [comment: because she goes there so often]. Perhaps I will wear a Halloween mask. That's what I'll do.
Me: http://mail.google.com/mail/e/32B http://mail.google.com/mail/e/32B http://mail.google.com/mail/e/32B

[White.Rabbit]

My friend's drunk ex amature pornstar mother: You know why the asians have such yellow skin? Because they smoke all of that Colium.
Me: What? Colium? You mean Opium?
Her: Yeah...sure...
Me: I don't really think it makes you skin yellow...
Her: *passed out snoring while her cigarette ashes all over her*

[The Dude]

so my roommate was a very creepy clown for halloween, painted his face all up and everything. i wake up saturday morning and go in the bathroom for a shower and there's red makeup all over one of my towels (from his face).

"Dude, wtf?"

"uhhh...i was really fucked up last night, sorry about that, i'll wash it for you."

"1. damn right you're going to wash it. 2. you weren't that fucked up 3. WTF!?!?!"

"yeah, i got nothing, sorry about that"

"fyi, that towel that you used on your face has been all over my balls"

"...sonuvabitch..."

[Bill Paxton]

So my boss was trying to run a report on his computer...

Boss: Hey Matt, I think there is something wrong with report builder. Whenever I run this report it just runs for an hour and then errors out.

Me: alright, let me try <runs report in under a minute> looks like its fine to me, maybe you should stop using your computer for non-work related purposes.

Boss: You mean my porn machine?

[hatepoppy]

its funny bc he's using his computer at work for pronos!

[Bill Paxton]

So yesterday me and my roommate took over an 8th of shrooms each. It was reaaaaaaally potent shit, and we were tripping ballz. We decided to go on an adventure around the city.

At one point we were walking down by the Charles river and I thought I saw something move in the water...

Me: Hey man...I saw something moving in the water...are there...are there like ducks during the winter? Don't they migrate or something.

My roommate Justin: Umm...I dunno dude. I think theres still like ducks or geese around here.

We keep walking in complete silence for a few more minutes and we come to this stair way that leads down to some kind of park

As we're walking down the stairs I start hearing quacking and its getting louder and louder. We get to the bottom of the stairs and there is, no shit, over 50 geese running around in circles freaking out and coming towards us.

Me: Holy shit! Did we conjure those???
Justin: I don't know, run away!

So we ran away from geese.

[Poop Sailboat]

that wasn't so much a humorous conversation as it was a not so humorous situation.

[Bill Paxton]

that wasn't so much a humorous conversation as it was a not so humorous situation.

Its hard to tell what was actually funny on shrooms.

[Pax Britannia]

Whenever someone starts to tell me a funny story about the last time they were high I immediately anticipate the awkward silence to follow and the person ending with "I guess you had to be there".

[Bill Paxton]

Whenever someone starts to tell me a funny story about the last time they were high I immediately anticipate the awkward silence to follow and the person ending with "I guess you had to be there".

Yeah, i kinda knew it was hit or miss, and most likely a miss. I just thought it was funny, because at the time, i was actually under the impression that I could conjure things with my mind.

[Poop Sailboat]

i'm so far out of the drug loop these days i wouldn't know who to go to for weed even.

[AJ]

i'm so far out of the drug loop these days i wouldn't know who to go to for weed even.

Every high school kid in America?

[Poop Sailboat]

Every high school kid in America?
i'm a loner, aj, a rebel.

[Bill Paxton]

Every high school kid in America?

I dont know, where I'm from is generally not socially acceptable for a 20 something to go walking up to highschool kids asking for weed and shrooms.

[WET HOT MESS]

At friend's house


friend: *flipping through junk fliers* Ooooh, look electric girdle. I've always wanted one of these.
me: Yeah me too. Oh ouch, my crotch, it's on fireeeeeeeeee[/kings of leon]
friend: What?
me: You meant griddle, not girdle. Girdle... um... just google girdle.
friend: Oh, gosh, I'm so stupid. That's so embarrassing. Please don't tell anyone about this. Gosh, I'm such a blond.
me: Sure, sure, sure. No problem.

[The Dude]

talking about laundry with my roommate:

Him: yeah, I took my stuff to my parents so that my mom can start washing it for me (holds up pair of pants that one of the strippers was wearing when she went out to smoke a butt). I was like "Mom, extra bleach on these"

me: true, I should throw those in there too (points to corner where there is a pair of boxers on the floor)

Him: what's up with those? did she wear those too?

Me: nope, that's what she wiped herself off with.

Him: what do you mean? wiped what?

Me: my load

Him: YOUR LOAD? off where? how did she wipe it?

me: umm, all over her face and tits, stomach, etc

him: whadda you mean? how did it get there?

me: well, that's where i blasted it

him: so you didn't come in the condom?

me: no

him: well how did that work? I mean, how did you get it off?

me: got close, pulled out, pulled the jimmy cap off and blasted, i'm trying to defile bitches. how do you do it?

him: well, i usually just blast up inside of them

me: IDIOT. I'm trying to defile bitches, not get them pregnant

*exchange of high 5's and fist bumps, with a side of laughter*

[hatepoppy]

I dont know, where I'm from is generally not socially acceptable for a 20 something to go walking up to highschool kids asking for weed and shrooms.duh.

everyone knows its the skeezy longhair kid at the gas station you hit up, if ur not within a half hour of a college.

[randystote]

Went for a run with a friend yesterday before taking our girls out for dinner.

Me: I'm thinking I might just shower at your place before we leave, saves me going all the way back into the city to my place.

Him: No worries. But let me shower first, i'm going to have a cold jerk.

Me: What the fuck are you talking about?

Him: I'm sure I told you about this. After going for a run I jump in the shower and jerk off. Just when i'm about to pop I turn to off the hot tap and leave on the cold. It feels awesome, I can hardly stay standing.

Me: Why the fuck would you tell me that and what makes you think I would go near your shower after you've jerked off in it?

Him: Yeah..... you better go to your place then.

Me: Why are you still jerking off? You've been with X for a while now, surely she should be doing it for you.

Him: She won't go near me after i've worked out, and the shower trick is just as good as sex sometimes.

Me: OK, dinner is off tonight. I can't sit at a table with you knowing you have just knocked one out.

[ElemenoP]

Tim is my little brother's Build-A-Bear, and my little brother had a stocking up and told me to tell my other brother and sister to fill the bear's stocking and buy him presents so that he doesn't feel left out.

Me: Oh by the way, when you're Christmas shopping, you need to get Tim a present and something for his stocking.
Brother: Who's Tim??
Me: ****'s Build-A-Bear
Brother: No! I don't have enough money for buy for another person.
Me: But it's his friend!!!
Brother: What am I supposed to buy for a TEDDY BEAR?!

[mongo]

my 19 year old cousin talking to my mom

cousin: do you know what tear tattoos on a person's face mean?
mom: no, what?
cousin: they get one tear for every person they kill.
my brother: well then, tim should go get billions tat'd on his face.

[WET HOT MESS]

Mom's friend's friend's daughter: That Bostonian accent is a myth. People don't talk like that at all except for the Jews and the Italians. They're weird.

[ElemenoP]

I was flipping through the People magazine with all the celebs and people losing weight.

Me: Look, dad! Look how much weight these people lost! This one girl used to weigh 340lbs and now she's 154lbs.
Dad: Ah. That's pretty amazing.
*still flipping through magazine*
Dad: How come you're not in this magazine? You used to weigh like.. what? 200lbs?
And now you've lost weight.
Mom: She was never close to 200lbs. How could you say that about our daughter?
Me: Ugh. Jeez. Dad.
*leaves the kitchen*

[29a]

Hahahahahahaha

Your dad pwned the shit out of you!

[WET HOT MESS]

Asian dads are so mean. My dad told me when he was my age, he was barely over 100 lbs. The chigga is 5'9 and a half. I called him a skinny whore and he nearly threw a colander at me.

[BIG PIZZLE]

So I was talking to this chick I havent seen in a while during my lunch break...

Her: I heard you got a new place
Me: Yeah, I like it a lot.
Her: Cool, when can I check it out?
Me: Whenever, there's not much furniture or anything but we could still kick it.
Her: I'm sure it's already filled with toys and sex machines.
Me: The sex machine is right here baby!
Her: Hahahahahaha!
Me: Seriously? That one kinda creeped me out.
Her: No, it was cute.
Me: ...
Her: So what are you doing tonight?

[mongo]

how exactly is "..." pronounced?

[BIG PIZZLE]

I find that the most effective tool for macking on women is an appropraitly placed pause. Most bitches cant stand silence.

[Bill Paxton]

Scotty: I miss living in the dorms, like living so close to so many other people.

Me: You should go live in Asia

Scotty: Let me rephrase that, I miss living so close to so many other white people.

[WET HOT MESS]

Friend: YOU'RE A SICK BITCH. YOU'RE A SICK SICK BITCH. YOU'RE A SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK BITCH. YOU'RE SICK. YOU NEED TO GET YOUR YELLOW ASS INSTITUTIONALIZED.
Me: What? What the hell is wrong with you?
Friend: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Me: I'm gunna hang up. Bye.
Friend: ASS RAPE! *click*



Somehow I found that funny since he's a scrawny guy that probably weighs only 120lbs.

[BIG PIZZLE]

Me and a guy at work.

Guy at work: Maaannn why do the Clippers even play the Lakers?
Me: So guys like us can afford tickets
Guy at work: Hahahaha hahahahahahahaha ahahahahahhahhaaahahahahahhahahhhhahahahha!!!
(he actually laughed that much.) You are so awesome BIG PIZZLE you are the most awesome of the awesomes.
Me: Indeed, kiss the ring.

[CTricksterGirl]

On the phone with my dad:

Dad: Hi honey, what's up?
Me: Oh nothing, I just had a question for you..
Dad: Yes, you ARE a total psycho...
Me: HA HA HA, you are hilarious, anyway...

[BIG PIZZLE]

Mine was better.

[Jericho]

That was lahme

[BIG PIZZLE]

al1PgunFWtc

[CTricksterGirl]

http://theassociation.blogs.com/the_association/images/2007/04/24/middlefinger.jpgGO FUCK YOURSELVES!

[Pax Britannia]

Hippy: Sign the petition against the war?
Me: No
Hippy: Why?
Me: I love oil
Hippy:.....

[29a]

Four of us hanging around

Me: I don't know what to eat for dinner
Coworker: Why don't you eat Scott's mom's pussy?
[Laughs]
Me: I don't like to eat the same thing for dinner as I had for lunch.

[Le Goat]

retarded

[Rumpleforeskin]

Me work with 3 old guys (60+) in one 10" x 7" office. One guy, Jerry, gets up to file some stuff:



Larry (old guy #1): Geez Jerry, take it easy with that paperwork.

Jerry (old guy #2): You know, just tryin' to cover my ass.

Larry: I don't think that file folder is big enough to cover your ass. Maybe just half.

Jerry: I wouldn't know, my ass isn't as big as yours.

Brian (old guy #3): AWWW SHIT, WE GOT A CHEEK-OFF!!!

[ElemenoP]

My brother gives me 2 teddy bears and asks me which one I like most.

Him: Well... Which one do you like the best?
Me: Tim.
Him: Why? I like Joe better.
Me: I don't like Joe because he's a black bear.
Him: You're racist!!! He's not even black -- he's dark brown.
Me: That's what they all say. ... I'm missing my watch, Tell your black bear to give it back me.

[Jericho]

That was fucking awful

[Bill Paxton]

Yeah, that was pretty terrrible.

[ElemenoP]

I thought it was funny. :(

[Bill Paxton]

I thought it was funny. :(

And you're an incredibly unfunny person, go figure.

[vasili denisov]

That actually made me laugh. But that's probably because of my hardcore racism. And lifelong hatred of the bear species. Since that incident at camp. Where they stole all my candy money.

[WET HOT MESS]

Sister: Do you know why sluts have such skinny necks?
Me: Uhh... what?
Sister: Uh, I dunno how to tell you this joke anymore. This is weird.
Me: Easy, slut moves her head like a woodpecker pecking wood.
Sister: YEAH, but she does it like she has seizures and her head bounces everywhere.
Me: Wouldn't that make her neck more muscular from the work out?
Sister: I don't know. The weird boys at school showed me this joke.
Me: What do you mean show?
Sister: Sis, I have a penis.
Me: ME TOO!
Sister: You're fucking weird.



:(

[Face]

I would like to spend just 5 minutes at Anita's house, just to witness the insanity that must go on there

[WET HOT MESS]

over the phoneeeee

friend: Help me come up with excuses to break up with X.
me: I thought you said you loved him and you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him and and and you wanted to have his babies and and and and and... what went wrong?
friend: I can't stand him.
me: You told me he was perfect.
friend: Not anymore. He's boring. We never do anything, we never go anywhere, it's not fun.
me: Um. Okay. Tell him that. Easy.
friend: I can't do that. Hey X, I think we should break up because all we do is eat burritos and have sex.

[Datači]

Sounds like a perfect relationship to me.

[Limp]

What kind of burritos?

[WET HOT MESS]

Women, right?

[Pax Britannia]

Some women just ask for too much out of life.

[Tar Heel]

What's funny about this thread is not the on topic posts. There are 7 pages and pretty much none of those are funny. However the comments and burns in this thread are priceless.

[Bill Paxton]

My roommate Scotty borrowed my roommate justin's bike...

<Scotty comes back into the apartment with Justin's bike over his shoulder>

Justin: This is refreshing, a white guy returning my bicycle

[NOTKyle]

My brother gives me 2 teddy bears and asks me which one I like most.

Him: Well... Which one do you like the best?
Me: Tim.
Him: Why? I like Joe better.
Me: I don't like Joe because he's a black bear.
Him: You're racist!!! He's not even black -- he's dark brown.
Me: That's what they all say. ... I'm missing my watch, Tell your black bear to give it back me.

Yeah, that was pretty terrrible.

My roommate Scotty borrowed my roommate justin's bike...

<Scotty comes back into the apartment with Justin's bike over his shoulder>

Justin: This is refreshing, a white guy returning my bicycle


wut

[Limp]

pwnt

[NOTKyle]

Kyle: Wanna fuck?
Limp: Yes
Kyle: :)

LOL ITS FUNNY CAUSE ITS TRUE

[Bill Paxton]

As opposed to a black person stealing his bike.

[mongo]

i thought it was mexicans who stole bikes. don't ****** just steal car stereos and bubble-yum?

[Bill Paxton]

I said good d ay, sir! >:0

What happened to the goddamn smileys?

[Jericho]

You touch yourself at night, that's what happened!

[The Dude]

was in the back yard with my roommate and another dude grilling and the subject of women/new pussy came up which of course led to fat/ugly girls which resulted in this little gem:

Me: personally, not really my thing, I like to maintain quality

Roommate: but they don't get it as often so they try a lot harder!

Other friend (in the most sinister/serious way possible): and they're tight!


I looked at my roommate and we both burst out laughing. I almost pissed myself I was laughing so hard. I don't know if it's because of what he said or how he said it, but it was the funniest thing I had heard in a long time.

[WET HOT MESS]

Just moments ago over the phone.

Us: blah blah blah blah blah, that's right, he's a dick. blah blah blah.
Her: Forget him, I'm too good for him anyway.
Me: That's right. Because you're hot like a stillborn's breath.
Her: Aww, thanks.. wait what the hell?

[vasili denisov]

Somebody: I'm here for the information. From you. For Mr. Max.
Somebody else: Who? Mr. who? Get out. Now.
Somebody: I'm gonna look around. Most expensive piece of furniture that catches my eye, I'm gonna break. You talk. Or you don't. If you don't, next most expensive piece of furniture that catches my eye, I start busting your head with it. Then, you talk.
Somebody else: Yeah? What if I don't?
Somebody: No idea. I don't have much imagination, and neither did your interior decorator.
Somebody else: Okay. I'm gonna call security, right now -
Somebody: Nice vase. It's amazing what you can pick up when a french count goes bankrupt.
Somebody else: I'm gonna call security -
Somebody: You can do us all a favour and save me some work if you start wrapping that phone cable around your neck.

[BIG PIZZLE]

Me and a couple old broads at work. "Lady 1" office manager and "Lady 2" is some other chick.

Me: Lady 1, I heard they're painting offices today.
Lady 1: Yeah, do you want them to paint yours?
Me: Yes please.
Lady 2: BIG PIZZ, you should paint your door green.
Me: Huh?
Lady 2: Oh I get it.
Lady 1: Like that movie the "Green door?"
Me: Huh?
Lady 1: He doesnt understand--it's a porno, hunny.
Me: Go on.
Lady 2: it's with that famous actress.... (feverishly googling)
Lady 1: He wont like that kinda stuff, that's from way back. Before they shaved...
Me: Yeah, not usually into jungle love.
Lady 2: Marylin Chambers! (begins reading synopsis and then rambles on about how she once watched a porno movie in a theatre with a gay dude)
Me: Thank god for the internet. See, that's not really my thing. I'm more into gonzo porn.
Lady 1: What do you mean?
Me: No real story line, like "Hi, my name is Jasmine and I like bubble gum. I'm here to fuck!"

[Face]

I was just at a gas station, and the guy behind the counter and I were exchanging useless small talk about coins

me: fuck pennies
him: I like pennies, they remind me of people
me: in that they're annoying, there's too many of them and they're generally worthless?

[NOTKyle]

me: in that they're annoying, there's too many of them and they're generally worthless?
http://blogs.targetx.com/stpeters/classof08/mannyface.jpg
http://www.brandyhall.net/screencaps/hwi/domhwi16c.jpg
http://www.traveladventures.org/continents/southamerica/images/guyanese-people14.jpg'
http://www.nypost.com/photos/galleries/gossip/celebp/20081110_adam_levine/photo27.jpg
http://fm.theoffside.com/files/2009/02/wil-smith-serious-face.jpg
http://image53.webshots.com/153/1/92/14/415819214zwYvMQ_fs.jpg
http://image26.webshots.com/27/0/3/41/293700341irdjGQ_fs.jpg
http://image10.webshots.com/11/1/22/96/141212296mSsOer_ph.jpg
http://a813.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/109/l_c050fb808f354b37e7b59c0cb8af6e7c.jpg
http://www.aylastackhouse.com/images/Ayla%20in%20serious%20dramatic%20face.jpg

[Face]

I don't get it

[NOTKyle]

They're all unamused.

LOOK AT HOW FUCKING SERIOUS THEY ARE

[NOTKyle]

Not even Will Smith thinks you're funny. Or that guy from that pop punk band.

[Face]

maybe you had to be there

[STDSkillz]

You said "fuck" to someone you don't even know?

[Face]

bitch I got a mouth like a sailor

[WET HOT MESS]

it's filled with salty sea water.

[STDSkillz]

I'm cool with having a potty mouth, but to someone you just met? Seems a bit abrasive to me.

[Face]

dude works in a gas station, he probably hears 50 times worse every time they raise gas prices

[BIG PIZZLE]

Chick at work: OOOOOoooo those are good apples.
Me: They're my favorite.
Chick at work: They're my dog's favorite too.
Me: ... your dog? You know, they're not the cheapest apples.
Chick at work: Nothing is too good for my baby!
Me: Your baby licks his ass; I dont think he'll notice.

[Datači]

Wow Piz, you're so cool. I wanna be just like you when i grow up.

(fo real)

[BIG PIZZLE]

You cant, because you're foreign and it's also clear to me that you're a homosexual.

[Datači]

The only way to be as cool as you is to be born again :(

[POO POO CANNON]

A small price to pay for such a glorious rebirth.

[WET HOT MESS]

sister: What's with all those inbred looking guys in the white button ups and black slacks on their bikes and that big backpack.
me: OH FUCK IT'S MORMON SEASON!
sister: Is that when they mate?
me: Do you see any female Mormons knocking on your door?
sister: They're gay?
me: Yes. All of them are gay Mormons.
sister: Good, they look retarded.

[Kerjack]

Missionaries are hawt!

[fadetoblack1985]

Customer: I am here to pick up my phone that was out for repair.
Me: Ok, cool, what kind of phone was it?
Customer: It was a Sony Ericsson that had nail polish painted on it.
Me: ok.......well here it is, and it looks like the repair facility has determined your device had physical damage due to you painting the entire phone with nail polish and that voids your warranty.
Customer: its not damaged, i just made it look pretty.

.....lol

[Kerjack]

Customer: I am here to pick up my phone that was out for repair.
Me: Ok, cool, what kind of phone was it?
Customer: It was a Sony Ericsson that had nail polish painted on it.
Me: ok.......well here it is, and it looks like the repair facility has determined your device had physical damage due to you painting the entire phone with nail polish and that voids your warranty.
Customer: its not damaged, i just made it look pretty.

.....lol

Yeah, but what was actually WRONG with the phone? She might have a point.

[TheImpossibleMan]

Three of us are in a liquor store.

R: You know what we call Steel Reserve around the Eastern Shore? Steel Retarded.
Random lady walking by: Yeah, I know what you mean. Last time I drank that, I woke up riding a bicycle naked in my kitched.
Me: Well thanks for that information.

[fadetoblack1985]

Yeah, but what was actually WRONG with the phone? She might have a point.

Her phone's screen wasn't working, the repair centre determined that the nail polish leaked onto the connecting piece to the lcd and caused it to fail.

[Hodge]

Her phone's screen wasn't working, the repair centre determined that the nail polish leaked onto the connecting piece to the lcd and caused it to fail.
You work for those Rogers cock suckers don't you?

My Sony Ericsson was a complete piece of shit. First all of the keys cracked in half (warrantied), then the keys next to the screen stopped working. I would tapped the keys to get them to work sometimes (it was stiff). One day while doing that the screen fucked up (unreadable). I took it in and they basically told me to get fucked (warranty expired). I ended up having to get a new phone.

Fuck Sony.

[WET HOT MESS]

More like you got fucked by Sony.

[Hodge]

More like you got fucked by Sony.
Well at least someone other than me is doing it.

[WET HOT MESS]

me: *reading headlines off yahoo* "Michael Jackson's "Number Ones" grabbed the No. 1 spot this week, but that's not all." Wow, we're in a recession and people still buys his shit.
sister: dead celebrities are the solution to our problems. kick start everything by killing off a celebrity every other day. buy billy mays products, charlie's angels dvd, michael jackson cds, angelina's babies poop, madonna's hair.
me: oh you're smart.
sister: and you're stupid.
me: bitch

[TheImpossibleMan]

More like truthful real life conversations.