Post A Funny Joke!

[mongo]

yeah, this shit belongs in OT, fuck running threads.




why did god give women yeast infections?



so that they'd know what it's like to live with an irritable cunt!

[pyro]

what do you call an audi in quicksand?
Quattro Sinko!

ba dum chick!

[mongo]

shit! i should have used spoiler tags! all this new technology is confusing.

[pyro]

What is the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
A washing machine doesn’t follow you around for a week after you put a load in it.

[pyro]

shit! i should have used spoiler tags! all this new technology is confusing.
whos the n00b now, n00b? zing!

[bbates77]

What is the difference between a blonde and a fridge?

The meat doesn't go off in the fridge.

[bpb]

What Do You Call A Taco With A Foodstamp Inside It?
A Mexican Fortune Cookie.

[mongo]

why did hitler kill himself?

he got the gas bill.

[MDiver01]

lulz


What has 9 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard

[The Dude]

running thread?

[Limp]

I think jokes are more Gen Con because there is no gimic and it isn't for the post whores.

[Limp]

I saw a billboard sign that said:



NEED HELP, CALL JESUS
1-800-205-3787

Out of curiosity, I did.

A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

[rustytulip]

What's the greatest thing about an Ethiopian blowjob?

You know she'll swallow

[Mustard]

What do you call vaseline in German?
Weinerslickem

How do you say virgin in German?
gutentight

[STDSkillz]

What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

A gangbang!

[Limp]

How to install a Texas Home Security System
=========================================

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba,
Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

'Cooter'

[Willam]

Two cows are standing in a field. First cow says, " Are you worried about this whole Mad Cow disease?"

Second one answers, "Why should I worry? I'm a squirrel."

[Dynamo Hum]

women's rights

[chipsahoy]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "You're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

[Willam]

A woman is in the hospital in a coma. Everyday her husband would sit by her side but there were no signs of her recovering.

One day, the husband rushes out of her room and finds the doctor. " Doctor, this is amazing. I know I shouldn't have done this but I miss my wife so much. I couldn't help myself so I reached out and grabbed her right breast. When I did, she started moaning."

"That's fantastic," said the doctor. "Try the left one."

The husband goes back into the hospital room and after a few minutes returns to the doctor. "It worked, she moaned while I was doing that also."

"Wonderful. Try oral sex and see if that helps."

The husband again entered the hospital room and after a few minutes, returned to the Doctor. This time, though, the husband was crying.

"What happened?" Asked the doctor.

"She choked to death."

[verdugo]

Little MATT returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies MATT .

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f_cking difference?' asks the father

'That's what I said!'

[Jack Bauer]

What does Gary Glitter and a Kodak box have in common?



..both come in little yellow boxes

[Willam]

What's the definition of a Vagina?


It's the box a penis comes in.

[rustytulip]

How do you know if you're at a gay picnic?
The hotdogs all taste like shit!

[smahoo]

-- I LOVE YOU HONEY

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and
ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the
convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into
the bathroom .

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen,
This guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent
a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he
nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry,
he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had
any Vaseline.

I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.'

[rustytulip]

Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.
"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.
The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"

[bbates77]

Three young Red Indians were asking their chief questions about their names. The chief tells the first indian "when you were born my wife looks out of the window and sees the moon rising, so we called you Moon Rising". Then the second Indian asks how he ended up with Wolf Howling as his name. The chief replies "It was the first thing I heard after you were born. And what about you Two Dogs Fucking - what was your question?"

________________

An American, an Englishman and an Australian were caught by some Amazons and given one last wish before they met their deaths.

The American man wished for unending wealth for his family. The wish was granted and his family in America was sent a constant supply of Amazonian gold for the rest of their lives. The Amazonians then skinned the American man and made a canoe out of him.

The Englishman wished for unending good health to his family. The wish was granted and the best Amazonian witch doctors prescribed undending good health to his family in England. The Amazonians then skinned the Englishman and made another canoe out of him.

The Australian man wished for a fork. The wish was granted and the Australian man received a fork. He then started stabbing himself with the fork and said "YOU'RE NOT MAKING A CANOE OUT OF ME!"

[Neosmurf]

A Japanese girl was having sex and accidentally farted. She said, "oh me so sorry, you make front hole so happy back hole blow you kiss."

[Limp]

A fire in a three story building caused the
death of 2 families. A black family on the first level and a
hispanic family on the second level were killed in the fire, but
a white couple on the 3 level was unharmed.

Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson demanded an
answer from the on-scene Fire Chief as to why the black and
hispanic families were killed and the white family had
escaped without harm.

The fire Chief looked at them and said, "The white couple was at work."

[muthastone]

whats the difference between batman and a blackman

Batman can go out at night without robin

[mongo]

what's the difference between MLK day and saint patty's day?


everybody wants to be irish on Saint Patty's!

[redsox39]

What's the difference between a Mexican and a park bench?

One of them can support a family of 4

[Willam]

A blond goes to see her doctor and tells him she has the strangest pains.

"It hurts here," she says as she touches her elbow, "And here," touching her knee, "And here" touching her ankle. "What could this be?"

The Doctor replies," That's simple. Your finger is broken."

[hatepoppy]

cross country truck driver with a pet monkey picks up a hitch hiker on the east coast, bound for california.

few hours into the ride, truck driver slaps the monkey on the back of the head, monkey sucks his dick. hitch hiker observes in silent amazement.

little further down the road, truck driver slaps the monkey on the back of the head, monkey sucks his dick. hitch hiker's starting to get a little uncomfortable now.

that night, truck driver goes to hit the monkey, and stops. he asks the hitch hiker 'say, man. you wanna give this a shot?'

hitch hiker says, "well, shit man alright. as long as you dont slap me as hard as you slapped that monkey!"

[jtox]

Two gay guys George and John are going at it when one of them (John) suddenly had to use the bathroom. He tells his partner George "Hey don't cum until I get back". When he gets back, semen is splattered everywhere around the room. Upset, John says "George! I told you not to cum". George looks at him and says "I didn't. I farted."

[zaphrodesiac]

I was talking to a friend of mine's little girl, and she was talking babble shit about wanting to be President.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give houses to all the homeless people."

"Wow - what a worthy goal." I told her, "You don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds 'cause she's only 6. And while her Mom glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

And I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

[Jericho]

fucking righteous

[Limp]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.'

She rolled her eyes and said, 'You must be a Republican.'

'I am,' replied the man. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me.'

The man smiled and responded, 'You must be a Democrat.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.

[BooBooBear]

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."

[BooBooBear]

The very first ever Blonde Guy joke... and well worth the wait!!!!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and Exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch!"

[Limp]

The very first ever Blonde Guy joke... and well worth the wait!!!!

No it isn't and no it wasn't.

[bbates77]

A new farmer's helper named Kull
Accidentally was milking a bull
The farmer said, "Boy yer dumb,
You done milked the wrong one!"
Said the boy, "But me whole bucket's full."

[}{arlequin]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she
touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was
definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As
crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick &
bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured
him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few
minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, noheart rate. The
nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

[Willam]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she
touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was
definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As
crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick &
bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured
him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few
minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, noheart rate. The
nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'


See Post #20, same thread.

[Strega]

I have 4 extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel event at Lambeau Field

in Green Bay this weekend, if anybody wants them.

He's going to try to jump over 500 Democrats with a bulldozer

Should be a good time !

:D:D:D:D:D:D

[onenine]

a string walks into a bar... orders a beer.

the bartender says, "i'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

the string goes outside, ties himself in a knot, and messes up his hair...

the string walks back into the bar... orders a beer.

the bartender says, "aren't you the string that was just in here?"

the string says, "no, i'm afraid not."

[Candide's Son]

two muffins are in an oven, one looks to the other-"is it just me are is it hot in here?"
the other muffin looks at him and says "Whoa! a talking muffin!"

[Strega]

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutron, giving it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert, as well as inept, however it can be detected because it impedes every action or reaction, that would normally take less than a second to complete, to take from four weeks to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 - 6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutron and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time since each reorganisation will cause more neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

[bbates77]

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

[Strega]

Think about this one: (I just not too sure it's a joke!!!!)

1. Cows
2..The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments


C O W S & nbsp;

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.


T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .... Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.


T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this......

You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians..It creates a hostile work environment.

[Strega]

The Zen of Sarcasm


01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire..

03. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

05. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. Aclosed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

AND

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[mongo]

dude, your shit is horrible. stop posting.

[Bizz]

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

[Mustard]

2 gay guys walk into a bar. They get to the bar and one guy says to the other, "may I push in your stool"?

[Strega]

dude, your shit is horrible. stop posting.


Blow me fucknuts!!! Ur shit was any good it would be full of posters....not half-ass like now!!! U should be glad I'm posting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[6655321]

Blow me fucknuts!!! Ur shit was any good it would be full of posters....not half-ass like now!!! U should be glad I'm posting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that's a real side splitter.

anyway...

a horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "why the long face?"
the horse says, "because i'm a fucking horse!!"

[mongo]

Blow me fucknuts!!! Ur shit was any good it would be full of posters....not half-ass like now!!! U should be glad I'm posting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you're black, aren't you?

[mongo]

what's the best part about taking a shower w/ a 12 year old?

when her hair is all wet and slicked back, she looks 10.

[Bizz]

Blow me fucknuts!!! Ur shit was any good it would be full of posters....not half-ass like now!!! U should be glad I'm posting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You missed your chance to shut up.

[6655321]

You missed your chance to shut up.

*begins negging

[mongo]

how do you circumcise AJ?


kick his fucking mom under the chin!

[Billy]

For Mongo:
How do you make a 5 year old cry twice?
Wipe your dick on his teddy bear when you're done

[mongo]

what's the best part about having sex w/ a 9 year old girl?

flip her over and it's like having sex w/ a 9 year old boy!

[Bastard]

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. There was a short line. Just one lady in front of me . . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, “Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?”
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations” .
The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people, too”.

[Mustard]

What is the best part about getting a handjob from a 4 year old?

I honestly don't know, but I guess their little hands make your dick look huge.

[Archetype]

How do you get 50 babies into the trunk of a cadillac?
Blender
How do you get them out?
Tacos
What's the most beautiful sound in the world?
Baby's hip cracking under pressure
What's funnier than 50 dead babies?
50 dead babies with clown shows
What's the safest way to play with a baby?
Condom.

[Bastard]

What is the best part of sex with a pregnant chick?
When the baby gives you head

Why do black people always have a restless nights sleep?
Because the last one with a dream got shot

A man is walking along a beach by himself and notices a girl laying down. He approaches her and sees that she has no arms or legs. He goes up to her and says "Because I am a nice guy, and you have no arms or legs, I am going to do any three favors for you"
The girl thinks this is a little strange but agrees to it and says "Well, since I have no arms or legs, no one has ever given me a good hug"
The man says that is simple enough and gives her a nice long hug,
For the second favor the girl says "Well, actually no one has ever kissed me either, so I would like a nice kiss."
The man says alright, and gives her a really passionate kiss.
The man finally says "Alright, this is your last favor then I am leaving, so make it a good one."
The girl says "Well since no one has ever kissed or hugged me before it is obvious that no one has ever fucked me either. so please fuck me."
The man then picks her up and throws her in the ocean, saying "Now you’re fucked"

[6655321]

A man is waiting in the hospital for his wife to give birth, when the doctor walks up to him all excited.
Doctor: Sir you have to see this, your son, he is a super hero.

The man is all confused by this statement

So the doctor takes him into the nursery and picks up the the mans baby

Doctor: See, he can fly...

and drops the baby. The baby hits the floor and bounces a little bit.
The Man gets all pissed off..

Man: Hey! what the fuck is your problem?
Doctor: NO I ASSURE YOU!! Your baby is a super hero watch, maybe he just needs a head start.

So the doctor picks the baby back up and runs through the nursery and throws the baby. The baby slams right in to the wall head first and lands on the floor.

The man is even more mad now.
Doctor: I don't know why it isn't working maybe he needs to fall further to make his flying abilities work right.

The doctor then Grabs the baby off of the floor and takes it to the window and drops him. The baby falls and lands on the pavement.

The Man is beside himself

Man: I am going to kill you you piece of shit. Why would you do that?
Doctor: No, No, It's ok, It's ok, it was just a joke, It was just a joke... Your Baby was a stillborn

[Don Scrappy]

What is a word that starts with N and ends with R that you don't want to call a black person?

Neighbor

[Billy]

More like Don Crappy

[Ace Rockola]

What's worse than 10 babies stapled to a tree?

1 baby stapled to 10 trees.

[Distortion]

What's worse than 10 babies stapled to a tree?

1 baby stapled to 10 trees.

whats worse then a dump truck full of babies?


1 at the bottom eating it's way out

[Parliament]

After work last week, I was stopped at a light waiting to turn left when I noticed someone trying to get my attention. I looked over to my left and two girls in a red Eclipse were motioning for me to roll down the window. Thinking that they needed directions, I rolled down my window.

"What's going on?"

"Hey, this is going to sound really weird....but my friend here thinks you're cute and wanted to know if you'd like to go out sometime."

I leaned over and looked at the girl in the passenger seat. Wow. This girl was gorgeous. Dark brown hair, blue eyes, and pretty skinny with a damn good set of tits.

"Sure."

We exchanged numbers, the light turned green, and we went our separate ways. A couple days later, I gave her a call and left a voicemail. I figured that would be it, and forgot about it. The next day I, I left work and had one new voicemail.

"Hey Eric, it's Alex. Sorry I didn't call you back yesterday, some things came up. Give me a call back when you get this I'd still like to go out with you."

I called her back and we decided to go out for coffee and a movie later that night. I pulled into her driveway a little after 7, took a deep breath, and walked up to the door. Knock-knock. No more than two seconds passed before the door swung open and I found myself facing what can only be described as a freak. This dude was fucking huge. He was a good six inches taller than me, must have been 275 pounds of pure muscle, and rounded out the look with a shaved head.

"Yeah."

"Umm...ughh...I'm here to see Alex."

He yelled upstairs for her and ushered me in the door, staring me down the whole time.

"You fuck with my daughter, I will kill you."

"Sir, I have nothing but the best intentions for your daughter-"

"Have her home by eleven o'clock, or else..." He motioned with his hand that he would cut my head off.

"Yes sir. Eleven o'clock."

Then I heard it. This strange whurring sound coming from upstairs caught my attention. Seconds later, she came around the corner. In a wheelchair. Her legs ended shortly after they began, leaving mere stumps. Blinded by fear, I had failed to notice the electronic wheelchair lift on the stairs and the ramp in front of her house. I thought about running, but the beast standing beside me quickly ruled out that decision. Fuck it.

As I wheeled her out the front door a large hand grabbed me by the shoulder. I turned around and with fire in his eyes, her dad motioned that he'd cut off my head. I decided to have her home by 10:45. I helped her into the front seat, tossed her wheelchair in the backseat, and got in the car.

"Sorry about my dad, he's just a little over protective. He still thinks I'm his baby-daughter."

Hah. Just a little. I drove to a nearby coffee house where we grabbed a couple of drinks and got to know each other. We instantly hit it off. Before we knew it, it was 8:30 and we took off for the movie theater. We had been driving for no more than two minutes before she grabbed my arm.

"Eric, I don't want to see a movie."

"Well what the fuck do you want to do then?" I thought to myself. "Wanna go ice skating, maybe mini-golfing? YOU HAVE NO LEGS!"

"Umm...alright, what did you have in mind then?"

"Take me to the park, I haven't been swinging since the accident."

"Sure." I didn't want to bring up bad memories so I left it at that. Five minutes later we pulled up to a park and I helped her out of the car. I wheeled her towards the playground, lifted her onto the swing, and pushed her for fifteen minutes or so before she stopped me. She pulled me around to the front and looked me in the eyes.

"Thank you so much, I never really get a chance to do that." and with a big smile she pulled me in close and started to kiss me. At first it was a little weird. I couldn't stop thinking about her two little nubs, but before I knew it she seemed like any other girl. That is, until she reached down my pants. At this point I had a decision to make. On one hand this girl is gorgeous- easily one of the hottest girls I've ever seen. On the other hand, well at least she still had those. f*** it. You only live once.

Ten minutes later she stops and looks me in the eyes, "Do you have a condom?"

Holy fuck, is this girl serious? I had already gone this far, might as well finish the race.

"Umm, no sorry. I'm not really that kind of guy."

With a smile on her face, she says "That's okay!" leans back on the swing, reaches into her purse, and pulls out a rubber. I was speechless.

She ended up having a stash of 'em in her purse, and we f***ed twice more. I'd be lying if I said it didn't freak me out at first, but she ended up being quite the lay.

After the third time, I pulled up my pants and my pocket was vibrating. Oh fck, I was supposed to pick up my buddy after his frat formal and had missed his call. Eleven times. I exit out of the missed call screen and see the time.

I'm fucked. It's 12:30 in the morning.

I grab her off the swing, throw her into the wheelchair, and sprint her back to the car where I literally tossed her into the passenger seat and jammed her wheelchair in the backseat. Driving 85 or 90 almost the entire way, she's freaking out.

"ERIC, WHAT'S WRONG?!??"

"Nothingit'snothingmyfriend'sjustinsometrouble!" I rattled off as thoughts of her dad beating me to death ran through my head.

I pull onto her street and guess who's standing on the porch with his arms crossed. I admitted defeat and pulled into her driveway, closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and got out of the car. Slowly I took out her wheelchair, helped her into it, and wheeled her up to the door.

"Thanks Eric, I had a really great night and I think you're an awesome guy. Let's do this again sometime."

"Yeah, me too."

She wheeled herself inside and I turned around- hoping, praying, that somehow I could just walk away from it all.

"Not so fast."

I turned around.

"What time did I tell you to have her home by?"

"Sir, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean any disrespect towards-"

"WHAT TIME?!?"

"Eleven o'clock sir. I'm sorry, we just lost track of time. I swear I didn't mean any disrespect towards you."

I braced for a punch, shove, or whatever it was that he had in store for me. His facial expression turned from rage to a smile as he put his hand on my shoulder.

"Son, I like you."

Jesus Christ, could this night get any fucking weirder? I thought to myself.

"Usually they just leave her on the swing."

[The GWD]

What's brown and rhymes with "snoop"?

Dr. Dre

[Okie Medicvet]

One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet
with President Bush."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer the President and
no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same
Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer the
President and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him again and just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very
same US Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President
Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said,
"Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to see Mr. Bush. I've
told you twice already that Mr.. Bush is no longer the President and no longer resides
here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand it perfectly. I just love
to hear it again and again!"

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"

[Claibo]

What is the difference between Jam and Jelly?

It would be kinda hard to Jelly my dick into your ass

[Cornflake]

Old one but classic...

Chilli Cookoff

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.


Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?


Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!


Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!


Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.


Chilli # 8: Mount Saint Helen's Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[mongo]

that's retarded. not classic.

[chickenparm]

A man walks by a crying girl with no legs and no arms stranded along the beach. He asks her what's wrong.
She responds, "Throughout my entire life I've never been kissed."
He gives her a kiss and starts walking back on his way.
She begins crying worse than before, and the man walks back and asks, "What's wrong?"
She answers, "In my entire life, I've never been fucked."
The man picks her up, throws her into the ocean and screams, "YOU'RE FUCKED NOW!"

[Willam]

What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red Paint

[ruffdog]

Broke Back Deer Camp

Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, 'Man, what happened to you?' He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'

The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night.'

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. 'Good morning,' he said. The other two couldn't believe it! He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, 'Man, what happened?' He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his ass and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night.'

[HAWK]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.



It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tomʼs resistance to natureʼs urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.


Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.






So they buried Debbie.

[HAWK]

*Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car
> which said:*
>
> *
> 'Two Prostitutes -- $50.00.'*
> *
> A policeman, seeing the sign,
> Stopped them and told them
> They'd either have to remove the sign
> Or go to jail.*
> *
> Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
> 'JESUS SAVES.'*
> *
> One of the girls asked the officer,
> 'How come you don't stop them?!'*
> *
> 'Well, that's a little different,'
> The officer smiled . .
> 'Their sign pertains to religion.'*
> *
> So the two ladies of the night frowned
> As they took their sign down and drove off.*
> *
> The following day found the same police officer
> In the area when he noticed the two ladies
> Driving around with a large sign on their car again.*
> *
> Figuring he had an easy arrest,
> He began to catch up with them
> When he noticed the new sign which now read:*
>
>
>
> *'Two Fallen Angels
> Seeking Peter -- $50.*

[Willam]

Robert was sailing around the world when a freak storm sank his ship. He managed to swim to a nearby island and found there were four other men ship wrecked there also. After a couple of weeks, Robert pulled one of the other men aside.

"At home, I was something of a ladie's man and it's driving me crazy not having any women here. What do you guys do when you get those urges?"

"That's easy," replied the other man. "See that other island over there." When there's a new moon, the water is low enough that you can walk to that island and it's full of sheep."

"You're crazy. I'm not having sex with a sheep," Robert said. But as the days passed, it was all he could think about. Finally, when it was a new moon, Robert was the first one in the water. He reached the island, grabbed the first sheep he saw, and started banging away. Almost immediately he heard laughter behind him. He turned and saw all the other guys pointing at him and laughing.

"What? You said this is what you guys do!"

"It is," replied the other men, "but you got the ugliest one."

[Okie Medicvet]

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building
standing. It's called the stock market! Jay Leno

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called as
Wal Mart Street! Jay Leno

3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The pigeon
can still make a deposit on a BMW!

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everthing in Las Vegas and an
investment banker? A tie!

5. The problem with an investment bank's balance sheet is that on the left side,
nothing's right and on the right side, nothing's left!

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show. If you get
any e-mails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it!
Jay Leno

7. President Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite
candy bar! Jay Leno

8. The Rescue Bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even thicker.
They had to include pictures! Jay Leno

9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in San
Antonio, last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General
Electric and Century 21! Jay Leno

10. What worries me most about the credit crunch is that if one of my cheques is
returned, stamped as 'insufficient funds,' I won't know whether that refers to
mine or the bank's!

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer

BULL MARKET-- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
himself for a financial genius!
BEAR MARKET -- A 6- to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance and the
wife gets no jewelry!

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower!
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps
crashing!

BROKER -- What my broker has made me!
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell!

STOCK ANALYST -- An idiot who just downgraded your stock!
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally
between themselves!

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected!
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks!
CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet!

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share!
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @
$240 per share!

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year's investor who's now locked up in a
nuthouse!

PROFIT-- An archaic word no longer in use!

[mongo]

okie, that shit sucks.

[Strega]

A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa , taking his faithful, elderly Jack Russell named Killer, along for the company.

One day the old Jack Russell starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Jack Russell thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!', says the leopard, 'That was close! That old Jack Russell nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old Jack Russell sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old Jack Russell sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Jack Russell says..

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!



Moral of this story....

Don't mess with the old dogs...age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[Smuckers]

A tough looking man walked into a grocery store. Suddenly, he pulled out a pistol. He doesn't aim it at anybody. Then, he goes to the seafood section and says in a low voice "lobster". The clerk ducks down and starts crying. The tough looking man says "what's wrong with you?" and the man says, "the mobster's got a gun!" and then the man says, "Oh, gun? Nah, this is only a water gun for my son, now can you get me the lobster I asked you to get?". The clerk stands up, smiles, and says, "Lobster? I thought you said you were a MOBSTER".

[mongo]

what's the best part about getting a blowjob?

the 5 minutes of silence.

[wonderllama]

Your Mom giving me a biscuit afterwards!
***


Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't
have a lot of money. Between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out
with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any
money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately
ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a
plan, Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick
the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them
out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I
can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
killin' me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the
sausage in the third pub!'

[mongo]

why do my condoms have that air bubble at the tip?

so i have something to step on when i take it off.

[wonderllama]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me
screw you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. '

She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down.'

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.

She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'


Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal
in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting
screwed!

[YELLOW_TOAD]

A single Chinese man owns a Chinese restaurant, and one day a beautiful Chinese woman walks in. He immediately walks over and asks her out on a date. She agrees. They go out for a while, and soon, the man proposes to her. She says "Yes, but before we do, there's something you must know. I have never had the sex, but I've read about it." He says that it's not a problem, and they are married.

On their honeymoon, the man tells his wife that since she's a virgin, she can choose what they do first. She says "Oh, most honorable husband. I am honored to be your wife, even though I have never had the sex, but I've read about it. So, I have chosen to have the 69.

The husband looks confused, and after thinking about it, he says "You want.. the beef and broccoli?"

[Strega]

http://img3790.imagevenue.com/loc489/94410_12b96d3_123_489lo_123_489lo.jpg

[UNC]

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t203/weatherGod1/michigan_state.jpg

[mongo]

what's the best part about a blowjob?

the 5 minutes of silence.

[Strega]

A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (Ford Motor Co.) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents, and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant savings were channeled into morale boosting programs and teamwork posters.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid-off one rower, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.

The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles), so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold, and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.

Sadly, the End.

Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages.

TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US. The last quarter's results:

TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits, while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.

Ford folks are still scratching their heads and collecting bonuses.

IF THIS WEREN'T SO TRUE IT MIGHT BE FUNNY

[shamona]

Mother Of Six A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife had given birth to 6 children, begins to call her "mother of six" rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles.
A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband's description. "Mother of six," he would say, "Get me a beer!" "Hey mother of six, what's for dinner tonight?" This type of situation persisted to a boiling point.
Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yelled out, "Hey mother of six, I think it's time to go!"
The wife seized the moment and shouted back, "I'll be right with you -- father of four!"

[shamona]

Dr. Phil There is these three women with their children on the Dr. phils tv show. Dr. Phil goes up to the first women and says i know your problem your addicted to food thats why you named your kid candy. then dr. phil goes up to the next women and goes your addicted to alcohol thats why you named your boy brewer.
The next women says to her child lets get out of here dick.

[shamona]

Best friendA man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's the problem?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."
'Wow," says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?"
"I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out."
"That makes sense," remarks the barkeep. "And, what about your best friend?"
"I looked him right in the eye and yelled, "Bad dog!!!!"

[EVILution!]

What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave?

A microwave doesn't brown your meat.

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese.

[EVILution!]

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mom.

[Bizz]

Source: http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Dead_babies

Q:Whats funnier than a baby in a trash can?
A:One baby in six trash cans.

Q: What is red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
A: baby in a microwave.

Q: How long does it take to kill a baby in a microwave?
A: How the fuck should I know? I was too busy masturbating.

Q: How do you get 1000 babies in a phone booth?
A: Liquify them in a blender.

Q: How do you get them out?
A: Nachos.

Q: What is red and creeping up your legs?
A: A homesick abortion!

Q: What is this vessel that I'm putting your baby into?
A: A blender

Q: What should you do when your baby is stuck in a blender?
A: Use a straw.

Q: What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of babies?
A: You can't unload bowling balls with a pitch fork

Q: How long does it take to paint a room with dead babies?
A: Depends how hard you throw em.

Q: What is funnier than a dead baby?
A: A dead baby next to a kid with down syndrome

Q: What's the difference between babies and grannies?
A: Grannies don't die when you fuck them in the ass.

Q: What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Porsche?
A: I don't have a Porsche in my garage.

Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and an apple?
A: I don't cum all over an apple before I eat it.

Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a table?
A: You can't fuck a table.

Q: What's funnier than a dead baby?
A: A dead baby in a clown suit!

Q: What's grosser than gross?
A: A pile of 100 dead babies.

Q: What's even grosser than that?
A: The live one at the bottom trying to eat it's way out.

Q: What's even grosser than that?
A: When it goes back for seconds.

Q: What do you get when you mix a dead baby,and a pint of cum?
A: LUNCH!

Q: Why do they boil water when a woman is giving birth?
A: If it's born dead they can make soup.

Q: Why shouldn't you slit open a baby's throat?
A: You might cut your dick.

Q: What's the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby?
A: Dead baby doesn't stick to the roof of your mouth.

Q: What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
A: Twins in an acid bath

Q: What's red white and stringy and hangs around in trees?
A: Baby hit by a snow-blower.

Q: How do you stop a baby from drowning?
A: Take your foot off its head.

Q: What's 3 feet tall and can't walk through a door?
A: Baby with a spear through it's head.

Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: Two scoops ice cream, two scoops dead baby.

Q: What do you get when you cross three dead babies and a sheet of glass?
A: An attractive coffee table.

Q: What's funnier than a dead baby?
A: You looking at old guys blow each other.
http://www.lemonparty.org/lemonparty.jpg

[Nature's Folly]

Q: Whats the definition of embarrassment?
A:Running into a wall with an erection and breaking your nose first.

A man walks into an incredibly hot urologist's office to get a problem checked out.
"You have to stop masturbating," She advises.
"Why?" The man asks.
"Because i'm trying to examine you."

[freegood]

A farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.
The lawyer said, " How can I help you?"
The farmer said " I want to get one of those dayvorces".
The lawyer said " Do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, " Yes, I got 40 acres."
The lawyer said, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, " Yes, I got a suit. I wears it to church on Sundays."
The lawyer said," No, no, I mean , do you have a case?"
The farmer said, " No, I ain't got a case, buts I got me a John Deere."
The lawyer said, "No I mean, do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yes, that is where I parks the John Deere."
The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up?
The farmer said, No, we both get up at 4:30".
The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?
The farmer said, "No she's a little white gal but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce".

[hostos]

A busty blonde catches the eye of a man in the supermarket.
She walks over and says hi
So the man replies: "do i know you?? oh yeah ur that stripper i fucked on the pool table while my friend shoved a cucumber up my ass",
She then says: "no im your sons math teacher

[Willam]

A man is driving around town and not paying much attention when he rear-ends another car. He gets out to look at the damage and the owner of the car he hit gets out and is a midget. The midget looks at the damage and then at the guy who hit his car and says "I am not happy!"

The driver that hit him replies "Then which one ar you?"

[oculus]

here was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire. 'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that wire?'
'Well,' the kid drawls, 'this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!'
'You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!'
'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.


Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.
'Hey kid!' the farmer yells. 'Where ya goin' with that tape?'
'Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!'
'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!' the farmer yells back.
'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.
The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.
'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that stick?'
'Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow.'
'Hang on,' the farmer says, 'I'll get my hat.'

[Strega]

Boobs vs. Willies

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.

In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'. 'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how
many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes
through three phases also.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'..
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration

[IdiotBrain]

they come across a farm. They knock on the door and ask the farmer if he has any rooms that they can use for the night. The farmer informs them that he only has two rooms, but he also has a barn.

The Jew decides he will sleep in the barn. Five minutes later, there is a knock at the farm house door, and the Jew is stood outside.

"I am sorry, but I cannot sleep in that barn. There are pigs in there, and we consider them to be dirty animals. I cannot sleep under the same roof as them"

So the Muslim goes off to sleep in the barn. Five minutes later, there is another knock at the farm house door. The Muslim is stood outside.

"I'm sorry, but there are pigs in the barn, and my religion considers them to be dirty animals, so I cannot sleep under the same roof as them"

Finally, off goes the ****** to sleep in the barn.

Five minutes later, there is a knock on the farm house door. The farmer opens the door and finds all his pigs stood on the doorstep...

[hostos]

There was once a woman who was pregnant with triplets. As she walked through a park, a mugger came out, shot her three times in the stomach, nicks her things and runs away. She is taken to hospital, and is told that all three babies are unhurt. However the doctor couldn’t remove the three bullets, without severely harming the babies.

16 years later, her three children are upstairs. One of the girls runs down crying her eyes out, saying ´´Mum, I’ve just been for a wee, and a bullet fell out´´ So the mum calms her down, and tells them what happened 16 years ago.

A week later, another one of the girls runs up to the mum, crying, saying ´´Mum, I’ve just been for a wee, and a bullet fell out´´ So, the mum calmed her down, and again told the story of what happened 16 years ago.

Another week later, the son runs up to the mum, crying his eyes out. Saying.. ´´MUM!´..´´ but before he could finish, the mum says ´´Yes, I know, you went for a wee and a bullet came out.´´ He replies, ´´No, I was playing with myself, and I shot the dog.

[mongo]

that.is.horrible.

[deer_hunter]

REDNECK WORD OF THE DAY: "HANDSOME"

I told her when her mouth got tired use ur handsome.

[Strega]

Texas Judge gives 7 year old right to decide custody.

Dallas , TX , December 31, 2008

A seven year old boy was at the center of a county courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

[mbslugger89]

what did one snowman say to the other?






smells like carrots

[Strega]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

He replies, 'Yes - caffeine.'

'Have you ever been in the military service?'

Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra pointstoward employment.' Then he asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'

The guy says, 'Yes...an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.'

The interviewer grimaces and then says, 'O.K.You¢ve got enough points for me to hire you right now. Ournormal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You canstart tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at10:00 A.M. every day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?'


This is a government job,' the interviewer says..'For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.

[wickedmartini]

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league. When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.' A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?' Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'


Bob's funeral will be on Friday.

[p-air]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.


She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?" "Morris Fishbien," he replied.


"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years." He said.


"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."


"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" she asked. "Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

[mongo]

<FONT face=Arial size=3>A cowboy, who is visiting

^a poster who is failing.

[Smuckers]

A mans arms itched very badly for about a week. The doctor couldn't figure it out.

"It's just the dry winter skin, it'll pass. Just try not to irritate it".

The man's back was now itching badly. He went out to his farm and was so fed up. He started crying and went to his pig pen just looking at his pigs. He started crying out to the heavens, WHAT DO I NEED TO DO TO STOP ITCHING?

Suddenly, one of his pigs stands up, lays against the wooden barn plank, and says, "It's simple. Just try some anti itch oinkment."

[redsox39]

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq.

The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.

Katie Couric said,

'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'

Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in ' New York, so I'd like to hear the song, The Moon and Me, one last time.'

The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.

Gibson was satisfied.

Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.' The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments.

He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'

The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?

'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine.

'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'

'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 5. In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?'

'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three fucktards report that I was the aggressor....?

Semper Fi!

[redsox39]

Remember the Alamo!

March 6, 1836 - On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall. Col. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already. As the three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them, Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and asked, “Jim…are we landscaping today?”

[redsox39]

Taters
Racist joke alert

The Baltimore Police Dept. announced this morning that all German Shepard Police Dogs
will be replaced by **** Dogs due to the fact that the City is not having any problems with Germans.

[Hanover Fist]

Why was the quadrilateral late for school?











He got on the rhombus.

[redsox39]

Why was the quadrilateral late for school?











He got on the rhombus.


http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e35/omgitsvince/TruckOfFail.jpg

[hatepoppy]

redsox39

[KennyPowers]

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the
back of the class was squirming around,
scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that
he had just recently been circumcised and he
was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was to telephone his mother and ask her
what he should do about it. He did and returned
to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him
sitting at his desk with his "private part" hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

"I did," he said. "And she told me that if I could
stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me
up from school."

[Clyde]

Oldie / goodie:

How many people died on the Titanic?

A whole boatload.

[wickedmartini]

In honor of the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is offering a new
breakfast meal called the Suleman:

You get fourteen eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.

[redsox39]

Three pregnant women were knitting sweaters for their soon-to-arrive babies, and chatting.
The first one said to the others, "I'm taking folic acid, so my baby will be healthy and have a robust immune system."
The second said, "Oh, I'm taking lots of calcium so my baby will be strong and grow tall."
The third said, "I'm taking Thalidomide."
The others reacted, of course, with horror. "Thalidomide! Why would you take that?" "Because I don't know how to knit sleeves."

[HAWK]

http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e35/omgitsvince/TruckOfFail.jpg

[Change]

"Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says "But, doctor...I am Pagliacci."

[Hoser]

They said funny.

[HAWK]

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde does't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year; that in one year these windows would pay for themselves. HELLLOOOOO? It's been a year I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung upl
He never called back.

I BET HE FELT LIKE AN IDIOT.

[Bastard]

One day a twelve-year-old walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog on a string behind him, slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says "I want one of your women." The madam looks at him and says, "Don't you think you're a bit young for that?" The kid slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "I want one of your women." The madam says, "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down in about twenty minutes." The boy slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "She has to have active herpes." The madam starts to sputter and ask why, but he slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "Active herpes." She responds, "Okay, have a seat. " Ten minutes later, a woman comes out. The boy, dragging this dead frog, follows her upstairs and does his business. As he's leaving, the madam asks him, "Okay, why did you want someone with active herpes?" The kid say, "When I get home, I'm going to fuck the babysitter, and when mom and dad get home, dad will take the babysitter home and fuck her on the way. And when he gets back, he and mom are going to go upstairs and fuck. Tomorrow morning after dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and mom will fuck him, and he's the bastard that ran over my frog."

[Trident]

"Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says "But, doctor...I am Pagliacci."

It was funnier in Watchmen. It's all about timing and delivery.

[Bastard]

A little boy has a twin sister. On their fifth birthday the sister got the whole fucking room of toys. And the brother got only one lousy yo-yo.

And so, the brother played with his yo-yo all day. His sister was playing with her new train and started boasting: "Look at my new train, you dick-head! See how beautiful it is! It has tunnels and bridges and everything! I've got this beautiful train, and you... you've got only that shitty yo-yo!"

No reply from the brother. He just kept playing with his yo-yo.

After a while, the sister took her new Barbie house and started playing with it. Of course, she could not help herself from being an asshole, so she started bragging again: "Look at my new Barbie home! It has furniture, a spa, a gym, it even has a garage with a brand new Porsche for my Barbie doll! It has a stable with three horses inside! And what have you got?!!? Only that lousy yo-yo!"

Again, no reply from the brother. He didn't even look at his sister's new toys. It seemed that the only thing he really cared about was his new yo-yo.

The sister was furious. Therefore she took her best prize: her brand new bycicle, and started driving it around, hoping that it will drive her brother crazy. "Do you see my new bike? See how beautiful it is! I can drive it all day if I want to! I can go anywhere I want. And you, piece of shit, what do you have? Only that silly yo-yo!"

Finally, the brother replied: "Someone has a yo-yo. Someone has leukemia..."

[mongo]

why couldn't mozart find his teacher?


because he was haydn.

[rustytulip]

What do you call 1000 nuns in a room?


A Virgin Megastore

[redsox39]

what do you call that last joke?

shitty

[Pharon]

What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?

I can't peanut butter my dick up your ass.

[Zilchoid]

So, a man goes to a garage sale and takes a look around.

He sees several items of interest, but is intrigued by a sign that says "Talking Dog for Sale."

He goes up to the dog next to the sign and says, "So, what's up with the sale sign?"

The dog says, "Well, I searched for survivors during 9/11, spend the next two years in the Alps looking for avalanche victims, and then eventually spent about two months combing the rubble for the unfortunate after Hurricane Katrina."

The dumbfounded man looks at the dog's owner and says, "Why would you want to get rid of such a great dog?"

The dog's owner says, "He's a fucking liar."

[Frito]

A white horse walks into a bar, says, "Hay bartender!"

[Willam]

A blind man with a seeing-eye dog goes into a department store. Near the middle of the store, the man lifts his dog over his head and starts swinging it in circles by the leash. A confused clerk at the store rushes over and asks if there's a problem.

"No problem," the blind man replies. "Just taking a look around."

[Frito]

A white horse walks into a bar, asks for a whiskey.

Bartender says, "WE don;t get many white horses in here."

White horse says, "At these prices, I'm not surprised."

[tsdhack]

An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy and the American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.

The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"

The English guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".

"Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"

"Sure", Says the Englishman.

The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.

The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.

About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.

The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".



The Englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?".

[mongo]

what do you call the black flintstones?

NIGGGERS!!!!!!!!!

[tsdhack]

Three guys are in a doctor's office. One is a drunk, another is a smoker and the third's a gay guy. The doctor tells each of them that, if they indulge in their bad habit one more time, they will die.

Outside they pass a bar.

The drunk says, “I don't care if I die, I need a drink.” The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead.

Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along. Then the smoker spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk.

The gay guy looks over and says, “If you bend down to pick that up, we're both dead.”

[mongo]

i think i posted this on the old boards, but fuck it.


a plane crashed in a neighborhood, completely destroying 3 houses. one owned by a black family, one owned by a mexican family, and one owned by a white family. only one family survived. what one and why?

the white family survived, because the parents were at work and the kids were at school!

[tsdhack]

A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid.

"Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked.

"That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when I was three."

"What? How did that happen?"

"I don't remember. I was drunk."

[Bizz]

There is this older couple and the woman decides to try and spice up their love life. She dresses up as super woman and goes into the living room where her husband was watching TV. She jumps in front of the TV and yells "SUPER PUSSY!".

He looks up at her and says, I'll have the soup.

[tsdhack]

One day a single mother was in the grocery store with her 4 kids. They were acting up. Bad little kids. They were running around grabbing items off the shelves crying and screaming all over the place. The mother grabbed them and said “I should of swallowed all of you!”

[Zilchoid]

"Knock, Knock"
"Who's there?"
"9/11"
"9/11 who?"
"You said you'd never forget!"

[Bizz]

"Knock, Knock"
"Who's there?"
"9/11"
"9/11 who?"
"You said you'd never forget!"

Ok, that reminded me of a knock knock joke you need to do to someone. It's cheesy but good for a laugh.

You gotta be all like "Oh man, I heard the best knock knock joke, wanna hear it?" and get them all excited for it, then tell them to start it. If they're dumb enough (and most times they are) they'll start.

Them: Knock knock.
You: Who's there?
Them: ..... uhhh....
You: lulz

[tsdhack]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism.
Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government.
We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people.
The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has shit his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father banging the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good Son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

[redsox39]

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune say, "One Marine is better than ten Taliban."

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out, "One Marine is better than a hundred Taliban soldiers."

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Marine voice calls out, "One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban."

The enraged Taliban commander musters a thousand fighters and sends them over the dune. Cannon, rocket, and machine gun fire rings out as a huge battle is fought.




Then silence. Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There are two of them."

[tsdhack]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.


In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."


The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"
"I couldn't even get on the fucking bed"

[Datači]

HAHAAHHAAHHAAHAHA

[KingSwain]

A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they gave their wives for their
anniversary.
The rich man says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz."
The poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?"
The rich man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond necklace, she can
drive her Mercedes Benz to take it back."
The poor man acknowledges the rich mans answer then proceeds to tell him what
he got his wife.
I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo."
With a confused and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Why did you buy her those
gifts?"
The poor man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the flip flops,
she can go fuck herself."

[KingSwain]

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know.

But it sure made a hole in Juan.

[Das Kahlua]

Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?

A: You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.

[satandole666]

Dead baby jokes are fair game?

What do you get when you stick a knife in a dead baby?

An erection.

What's the difference between a rock and a dead baby?

You can't fuck a rock.

[tsdhack]

A man on a road trip stopped at a rest area to relieve himself. The first stall in the rest room was occupied, so he went into the second one. As soon as he sat down, the man in the next stall said, "Hi there. How's it going?"
The man thought it was odd to start a conversation in a toilet, but just to be nice, he said, "Not bad."
Then the voice said, "What are you doing?" The man reluctantly replied, "Well, I'm on a road trip."
At this, the stranger said, "Look, I'll call you back. Every time I say anything to you, some idiot in the next stall keeps answering me."

[Zilchoid]

A man and his wife go to the doctor to try and figure out what's wrong with her. After a few minutes the doctor takes the man outside and says, "I've narrowed it down to two things. It's either alzheimer's or syphillis."

The man says, "Well, what's the next step?"

The doctor replies, "It's actually pretty simple. On the way home, drop her off three blocks away from home. If she shows up, don't fuck her."

[afridi]

When Farrah Fawcett arrived at heaven God granted her one wish. She wished for all the children of the world to be safe. So He killed Michael Jackson.

[LethalStrike]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."