Archangel
04-08-2009, 07:36 AM
Okay, after I accidentally deleted this shit last night, here we go again.
I know that crash (sorely missed) did something similar once, but it's been years, and with all the turnover we've had, I think a new list of mythical gods and heroes in the key of GMF is in order. Plus, I can't find his in the archives.
So without further ado, I give you the New GMF Pantheon, in no particular order:
Pax: Beli Mawr, the founding deity of his native Wales. Generations upon generations of Welsh kings have traced their lineage to him.
}{: Phaeton, son of the sun god Helios - he got into quite a bit of trouble for driving that chariot too fast...
Tyler: Janus, the Roman god of portals - with two faces and distinct personalities, just like his namesake.
Jericho: Molech, the Canaanite patron god of the city bearing his name. Also, his status as god of fire seemed fitting, given Jeribear's famous ginger-ness.
ElemenoP: Terpsichore, one of the muses, the mistress of dance. She knows why.
Da Raider: Ometochtli, the Aztec god of drink and inebriation. Sometimes credited with inventing tequila.
Anita: Pallas Athena, the virgin goddess of wisdom, who jumped out of her father Zeus's head in full armour - but just like ROYM, she had a seriously fucked up side: Her shield, Aigis, featured a ghastly gorgon's head and would turn anyone to stone who would glance upon it.
The GWD: A Hrimthurs, one of the ice giants tasked to rebuild the walls of Asgard. Unfortunately, he fucked up on making a deal with the Aesir (http://www.hurstwic.org/history/articles/mythology/myths/text/wall_of_asgard.htm)... So he was great, white, and a right dope.
Trident: Poseidon, the Earth-Shaker, as Homer calls him. No brainer.
Wii: Âu Cơ, the beautiful mother goddess of the Vietnamese people.
Face: Shoggoth. the vile, protean, protoplasmic masses - all eyes and mouths - created by the elder beings in Lovecraftian lore to help them build many futuristic things (spaceship models?); however, their all consuming hunger brought doom to an entire civilisation...
Sig: Lucifer, the highest, yet also most vain of all the angels...
Morfin: Hödr, the old, blind, idiot god who was duped into killing Baldr. Probably also liked Diet Coke.
007: Rudra, the Vedic god of storms, and destroyer of all things. Precursor deity to Shiva. Since Bond here almost totally destroyed GMF once, I thought it fit pretty well.
Titus Pullo: Hraesvelgr, the old giant living in the crown of the world-tree Yggdrasil. Was known to transform into an eagle. Probably couldn't get to the Super Bowl, either.
jemeske: The Centaur Cheiron, half horse, half man, and teacher of Heracles.
JT: Gyges, first of the Hecatonchires. According to Hesiod, the strongest creatures in the universe, even stronger than the Titans or the Cyclopes. In short, some diesel mother fuckers.
Syndicate: Azathoth. The Daemon Sultan. Nuclear Chaos. The unspeakable main god in Lovecraftian lore. Or, as the man himself says:
"that shocking final peril which gibbers unmentionably outside the ordered universe, where no dreams reach; that last amorphous blight of nethermost confusion which blasphemes and bubbles at the centre of all infinity - the boundless daemon sultan Azathoth, whose name no lips dare speak aloud, and who gnaws hungrily in inconceivable, unlighted chambers beyond time amidst the muffled, maddening beating of vile drums and the thin, monotonous whine of accursed flutes; to which detestable pounding and piping dance slowly, awkwardly, and absurdly the gigantic Ultimate gods, the blind, voiceless, tenebrous, mindless Other gods"
Sounds like the mod forum to me.
elstavon: Búri, first of the Norse gods and wise grandfather to Odin, he wasn't born, but licked out of a salty block of ice by a divine cow...
Shannon: Epona/Rhiannon, the striking and comely Celtic protector goddess of horses. Would fit right in in Kentucky. Also, the only Celtic deity who'd come to be worshipped all over the Roman world.
Pollo: Amimitl, the Aztek god of the lake. Geddit?
Randy: Pan. Because he's, well, randy - always pursuing and fucking the beautiful nymphs.
EG: Heimdall. Lead warrior of the Einherjar, protector of the gods, harbinger of Ragnarök. Urban pacification, Norsemen style.
CrazyCarl: Hyllus, the mythical founder of what was to become Sparta. Sucked arse at basketball, probably.
ADD: Apis, the Egyptian bull god. Worshipped until 1998, not much happening with him since.
Evil (Rabbit): Nanabozho. Among the Ojibwa Indians, he was the evil trickster god, and often appeared as a, you guessed it, rabbit.
Oggie: Orpheus, the ancient singer whose voice could serenade even the gods - met a rather horrible end, though.
Alcestis: I could just have gone with her namesake, but I went with Pyrrha instead - daughter of Epimetheus, wife of Deucalion, and mother to all mankind. The ultimate mom.
mongo: Sousson-Pannan, one of the horsemen gods (loa) of Vodou. To quote wiki: "Sousson-Pannan is a hideously ugly loa, covered in sores, who is known for drinking copious amounts of both liquor and blood." So maybe there is a chance you'll cut that vegetarian shit out.
RedBEARD: Surtr, the "Dark One": the bearded fire giant of Norse mythology, principal antagonist of the Aesir and leader of the demon hordes at Ragnarök.
CC: Zaria, the Slavic goddess of love. Her name means "sunrise", and she is described as "the heavenly bride" and "the brightest maiden, pure, sublime, honorable"... Apparently, people in the Balkans had quite a thing for her.
Marcus: Dinclinsin, the evil slave-master god in Vodou, feared by black slaves for his whip and bad drunken temper.
Summer: Ephesian Artemis. Unlike her main-stream pendant, the goddess of hunt, Artemis was worshipped at her temple in Ephesus - one of the seven wonders of the world - as a goddess of fertility, known for her copious, ahem, breasts.
Limp noodle: Priapus, the Roman god of constant erections. Hope he appreciates the irony.
Hatepoppy: Dionysus, the god of inebriation and debauchery. All about getting both fucked up and fucking.
STDSkillz: Horus, the falcon-headed Egyptian god whose all seeing eye is also worshipped as the origin of all mathematics.
Numbers: Uke Mochi. Mate, I tried, but there is no male god of food in any mythology I know of. Anyway: "When Uke Mochi was visited by Tsukuyomi she prepared a feast by facing the ocean and spitting out a fish, then she faced the forest and bountiful game spewed out of her anus, finally turning to a rice paddy she coughed up a bowl of rice. Tsukuyomi was so disgusted he killed her. Even her dead body produced food: millet, rice, and beans sprang forth. Her eyebrows even became silkworms."
fuld: Toutatis. Le ciel lui tombe sur la tęte...
Pizz: Aesculapius. He's a doctor. And a god. And charms snakes. And can fly. And, and and...
Sink: Jörmungand, the Midgard Snake. In Norse mythology, it's the largest being in creation, circling the entire world; also, we all know how much sink likes dragons.
Genius: Prometheus. The quintessential liberal, he didn't think it right that only the gods should have fire, and brought it to the lowly masses, and taught them the basics of civilisation. Ended up in the Greek equivalent of Guantánamo for that dumb shit.
wonderllama: Urcuchillay, the Incan protector god of animals. Appeared as a wondrously coloured llama.
DrDeath: Baron Samedí, the Vodou god of death and cemeteries. Master of the dead, he is responsible for the creation of zombies.
Bastard: Minotaur. If your mom gets so horny she has a fake cow built to hide in so a bull can impregnate her, you're truly deserving of that epithet.
gtsch: Nyarlathotep. The Crawling Chaos. Pharaonic seducer. Right hand man of the above mentioned Azathoth, he walks the earth doing the Daemon Sultan's work, and preparing it for takeover by the Old Ones.
Daydreamer: Morpheus, god of sleep and dreams. And drugs.
Tara: Kumiho, the Korean fox-woman. Temptress, seductress, bringer of death (probably through STDs).
freegood: Prester John. It's too good to be true, innit? In a continent of heathens, there is supposed to be one shining Christian kingdom ruled by this wise priest-king.
Erased: Hephaistos, the Greek god of the forge. He may have been born a cripple, but he was essential to the gods' survival, since - being all about metal - he forged their weapons and armour. Also got to fuck Aphrodite, most beautiful of all the goddesses.
Medlar: Alberich, the obnoxious king of the dwarves.
vasili: Nabu, son of Marduk, the Babylonian god of wisdom and writing. Credited with giving the written word to mankind.
Dataci: Veles, the Slavic god of the underworld. Half snake, half ram, and bearded (obviously), he was worshipped in the entire region, including today's Croatia.
Zackers: Apollo, patron god of the arts and judge of the Olympian PS contests.
ruffdog: Garmr. His name means "(dirty) rag", and this monstrous, terrible canine guards the Norse underworld.
Blue: Bunyip, one of the huge, horrid demons in old Australian myths. Mysterious findings of over-sized bones seem to support their actual existence...
Bizz: Ratatöskr, the squirrel living in the world-tree, he's always running about, instigating shit and trying to start fights between people.
Philips25: Manannán, the oldest sea god worshipped on the British Isles. Since he lives in a major port city, and all.
Banon: Nidhögr, the jealous dragon. Steadily gnawing at the roots of Yggdrasil, mad that other people did get to bone Summer.
Jack Bauer: Cú Chulainn, son of the god and High King Lugh, he is probably the greatest hero in Irish mythology.
Sarxos: Zeus seducing Leda. In the guise of a swan. So it's about a long-ass neck and porn, really.
Billy: Azazel. Apart from the fact that it sounds like his old name, this evil demon did indeed live in the desert.
Goat (wherever he may be): Tannsgrinir, one of the goats pulling Thor's chariot. His name means - fittingly for a redneck - "the one with sparse teeth".
mixie: The Tetragrammaton - just like him, it has no vowels, either.
Lone Wolf: Fenrir, obviously. Destined to break his chains at the start of the three year winter, the great wolf is destined to kill Odin during the battle of Ragnarök on the field of Vigrid.
JJ: Yog-Sothoth. The Lurker at the Threshold. The Key and the Gate. The Beyond One. Opener of the Way. The All-in-One and the One-in-All. In Lovecraftian myth, this god is described as an amorphous series of shifting colours; and since JJ loves post-modern painting so much...
Insomniac: Succubus. Because, well, duh.
Phil Theehor: Astarte. Not because he's such a beautiful goddess, but because her priestesses engaged in much temple prostitution.
Folly: Typhon, final son of Gaia and Tartarus, largest and most grotesque of all creatures. Attempts to overthrow the gods, and almost succeeds: All but Zeus flee before his immense and horrid mass.
OSUmike: globsters. In most myths, there are accounts of amorphous blobs - probably inspired by these unidentifiable masses of organic tissue (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tasmanian_Globster) which wash up on shores from time to time.
TiM: Ganymede, the youth who turned Zeus gay.
Stax: Sun Wukong, the Monkey King of Chinese lore become popular media mainstay - famous for carrying a big-ass stick, rumoured to be the first designated hitter in history.
Tar Heel/heelsguy: Banebdjed, the ram-headed incarnation of Osiris. Remind you of anyone?
Vox: Hermes, the original messenger of the gods, and the cousin to the angels we know today. If the gods wanted to tell you something, he was their mouthpiece, their voice.
That's it for now. My brain is hurting. I know I left people out and forgot others, but no slight is intended; just hit me up and I'll see what I can do.
I know that crash (sorely missed) did something similar once, but it's been years, and with all the turnover we've had, I think a new list of mythical gods and heroes in the key of GMF is in order. Plus, I can't find his in the archives.
So without further ado, I give you the New GMF Pantheon, in no particular order:
Pax: Beli Mawr, the founding deity of his native Wales. Generations upon generations of Welsh kings have traced their lineage to him.
}{: Phaeton, son of the sun god Helios - he got into quite a bit of trouble for driving that chariot too fast...
Tyler: Janus, the Roman god of portals - with two faces and distinct personalities, just like his namesake.
Jericho: Molech, the Canaanite patron god of the city bearing his name. Also, his status as god of fire seemed fitting, given Jeribear's famous ginger-ness.
ElemenoP: Terpsichore, one of the muses, the mistress of dance. She knows why.
Da Raider: Ometochtli, the Aztec god of drink and inebriation. Sometimes credited with inventing tequila.
Anita: Pallas Athena, the virgin goddess of wisdom, who jumped out of her father Zeus's head in full armour - but just like ROYM, she had a seriously fucked up side: Her shield, Aigis, featured a ghastly gorgon's head and would turn anyone to stone who would glance upon it.
The GWD: A Hrimthurs, one of the ice giants tasked to rebuild the walls of Asgard. Unfortunately, he fucked up on making a deal with the Aesir (http://www.hurstwic.org/history/articles/mythology/myths/text/wall_of_asgard.htm)... So he was great, white, and a right dope.
Trident: Poseidon, the Earth-Shaker, as Homer calls him. No brainer.
Wii: Âu Cơ, the beautiful mother goddess of the Vietnamese people.
Face: Shoggoth. the vile, protean, protoplasmic masses - all eyes and mouths - created by the elder beings in Lovecraftian lore to help them build many futuristic things (spaceship models?); however, their all consuming hunger brought doom to an entire civilisation...
Sig: Lucifer, the highest, yet also most vain of all the angels...
Morfin: Hödr, the old, blind, idiot god who was duped into killing Baldr. Probably also liked Diet Coke.
007: Rudra, the Vedic god of storms, and destroyer of all things. Precursor deity to Shiva. Since Bond here almost totally destroyed GMF once, I thought it fit pretty well.
Titus Pullo: Hraesvelgr, the old giant living in the crown of the world-tree Yggdrasil. Was known to transform into an eagle. Probably couldn't get to the Super Bowl, either.
jemeske: The Centaur Cheiron, half horse, half man, and teacher of Heracles.
JT: Gyges, first of the Hecatonchires. According to Hesiod, the strongest creatures in the universe, even stronger than the Titans or the Cyclopes. In short, some diesel mother fuckers.
Syndicate: Azathoth. The Daemon Sultan. Nuclear Chaos. The unspeakable main god in Lovecraftian lore. Or, as the man himself says:
"that shocking final peril which gibbers unmentionably outside the ordered universe, where no dreams reach; that last amorphous blight of nethermost confusion which blasphemes and bubbles at the centre of all infinity - the boundless daemon sultan Azathoth, whose name no lips dare speak aloud, and who gnaws hungrily in inconceivable, unlighted chambers beyond time amidst the muffled, maddening beating of vile drums and the thin, monotonous whine of accursed flutes; to which detestable pounding and piping dance slowly, awkwardly, and absurdly the gigantic Ultimate gods, the blind, voiceless, tenebrous, mindless Other gods"
Sounds like the mod forum to me.
elstavon: Búri, first of the Norse gods and wise grandfather to Odin, he wasn't born, but licked out of a salty block of ice by a divine cow...
Shannon: Epona/Rhiannon, the striking and comely Celtic protector goddess of horses. Would fit right in in Kentucky. Also, the only Celtic deity who'd come to be worshipped all over the Roman world.
Pollo: Amimitl, the Aztek god of the lake. Geddit?
Randy: Pan. Because he's, well, randy - always pursuing and fucking the beautiful nymphs.
EG: Heimdall. Lead warrior of the Einherjar, protector of the gods, harbinger of Ragnarök. Urban pacification, Norsemen style.
CrazyCarl: Hyllus, the mythical founder of what was to become Sparta. Sucked arse at basketball, probably.
ADD: Apis, the Egyptian bull god. Worshipped until 1998, not much happening with him since.
Evil (Rabbit): Nanabozho. Among the Ojibwa Indians, he was the evil trickster god, and often appeared as a, you guessed it, rabbit.
Oggie: Orpheus, the ancient singer whose voice could serenade even the gods - met a rather horrible end, though.
Alcestis: I could just have gone with her namesake, but I went with Pyrrha instead - daughter of Epimetheus, wife of Deucalion, and mother to all mankind. The ultimate mom.
mongo: Sousson-Pannan, one of the horsemen gods (loa) of Vodou. To quote wiki: "Sousson-Pannan is a hideously ugly loa, covered in sores, who is known for drinking copious amounts of both liquor and blood." So maybe there is a chance you'll cut that vegetarian shit out.
RedBEARD: Surtr, the "Dark One": the bearded fire giant of Norse mythology, principal antagonist of the Aesir and leader of the demon hordes at Ragnarök.
CC: Zaria, the Slavic goddess of love. Her name means "sunrise", and she is described as "the heavenly bride" and "the brightest maiden, pure, sublime, honorable"... Apparently, people in the Balkans had quite a thing for her.
Marcus: Dinclinsin, the evil slave-master god in Vodou, feared by black slaves for his whip and bad drunken temper.
Summer: Ephesian Artemis. Unlike her main-stream pendant, the goddess of hunt, Artemis was worshipped at her temple in Ephesus - one of the seven wonders of the world - as a goddess of fertility, known for her copious, ahem, breasts.
Limp noodle: Priapus, the Roman god of constant erections. Hope he appreciates the irony.
Hatepoppy: Dionysus, the god of inebriation and debauchery. All about getting both fucked up and fucking.
STDSkillz: Horus, the falcon-headed Egyptian god whose all seeing eye is also worshipped as the origin of all mathematics.
Numbers: Uke Mochi. Mate, I tried, but there is no male god of food in any mythology I know of. Anyway: "When Uke Mochi was visited by Tsukuyomi she prepared a feast by facing the ocean and spitting out a fish, then she faced the forest and bountiful game spewed out of her anus, finally turning to a rice paddy she coughed up a bowl of rice. Tsukuyomi was so disgusted he killed her. Even her dead body produced food: millet, rice, and beans sprang forth. Her eyebrows even became silkworms."
fuld: Toutatis. Le ciel lui tombe sur la tęte...
Pizz: Aesculapius. He's a doctor. And a god. And charms snakes. And can fly. And, and and...
Sink: Jörmungand, the Midgard Snake. In Norse mythology, it's the largest being in creation, circling the entire world; also, we all know how much sink likes dragons.
Genius: Prometheus. The quintessential liberal, he didn't think it right that only the gods should have fire, and brought it to the lowly masses, and taught them the basics of civilisation. Ended up in the Greek equivalent of Guantánamo for that dumb shit.
wonderllama: Urcuchillay, the Incan protector god of animals. Appeared as a wondrously coloured llama.
DrDeath: Baron Samedí, the Vodou god of death and cemeteries. Master of the dead, he is responsible for the creation of zombies.
Bastard: Minotaur. If your mom gets so horny she has a fake cow built to hide in so a bull can impregnate her, you're truly deserving of that epithet.
gtsch: Nyarlathotep. The Crawling Chaos. Pharaonic seducer. Right hand man of the above mentioned Azathoth, he walks the earth doing the Daemon Sultan's work, and preparing it for takeover by the Old Ones.
Daydreamer: Morpheus, god of sleep and dreams. And drugs.
Tara: Kumiho, the Korean fox-woman. Temptress, seductress, bringer of death (probably through STDs).
freegood: Prester John. It's too good to be true, innit? In a continent of heathens, there is supposed to be one shining Christian kingdom ruled by this wise priest-king.
Erased: Hephaistos, the Greek god of the forge. He may have been born a cripple, but he was essential to the gods' survival, since - being all about metal - he forged their weapons and armour. Also got to fuck Aphrodite, most beautiful of all the goddesses.
Medlar: Alberich, the obnoxious king of the dwarves.
vasili: Nabu, son of Marduk, the Babylonian god of wisdom and writing. Credited with giving the written word to mankind.
Dataci: Veles, the Slavic god of the underworld. Half snake, half ram, and bearded (obviously), he was worshipped in the entire region, including today's Croatia.
Zackers: Apollo, patron god of the arts and judge of the Olympian PS contests.
ruffdog: Garmr. His name means "(dirty) rag", and this monstrous, terrible canine guards the Norse underworld.
Blue: Bunyip, one of the huge, horrid demons in old Australian myths. Mysterious findings of over-sized bones seem to support their actual existence...
Bizz: Ratatöskr, the squirrel living in the world-tree, he's always running about, instigating shit and trying to start fights between people.
Philips25: Manannán, the oldest sea god worshipped on the British Isles. Since he lives in a major port city, and all.
Banon: Nidhögr, the jealous dragon. Steadily gnawing at the roots of Yggdrasil, mad that other people did get to bone Summer.
Jack Bauer: Cú Chulainn, son of the god and High King Lugh, he is probably the greatest hero in Irish mythology.
Sarxos: Zeus seducing Leda. In the guise of a swan. So it's about a long-ass neck and porn, really.
Billy: Azazel. Apart from the fact that it sounds like his old name, this evil demon did indeed live in the desert.
Goat (wherever he may be): Tannsgrinir, one of the goats pulling Thor's chariot. His name means - fittingly for a redneck - "the one with sparse teeth".
mixie: The Tetragrammaton - just like him, it has no vowels, either.
Lone Wolf: Fenrir, obviously. Destined to break his chains at the start of the three year winter, the great wolf is destined to kill Odin during the battle of Ragnarök on the field of Vigrid.
JJ: Yog-Sothoth. The Lurker at the Threshold. The Key and the Gate. The Beyond One. Opener of the Way. The All-in-One and the One-in-All. In Lovecraftian myth, this god is described as an amorphous series of shifting colours; and since JJ loves post-modern painting so much...
Insomniac: Succubus. Because, well, duh.
Phil Theehor: Astarte. Not because he's such a beautiful goddess, but because her priestesses engaged in much temple prostitution.
Folly: Typhon, final son of Gaia and Tartarus, largest and most grotesque of all creatures. Attempts to overthrow the gods, and almost succeeds: All but Zeus flee before his immense and horrid mass.
OSUmike: globsters. In most myths, there are accounts of amorphous blobs - probably inspired by these unidentifiable masses of organic tissue (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tasmanian_Globster) which wash up on shores from time to time.
TiM: Ganymede, the youth who turned Zeus gay.
Stax: Sun Wukong, the Monkey King of Chinese lore become popular media mainstay - famous for carrying a big-ass stick, rumoured to be the first designated hitter in history.
Tar Heel/heelsguy: Banebdjed, the ram-headed incarnation of Osiris. Remind you of anyone?
Vox: Hermes, the original messenger of the gods, and the cousin to the angels we know today. If the gods wanted to tell you something, he was their mouthpiece, their voice.
That's it for now. My brain is hurting. I know I left people out and forgot others, but no slight is intended; just hit me up and I'll see what I can do.