Craigslist Thread

[dick_darlington]

I've decided to create a thread so everyone can put all the stupid, shitty and randomly odd craigslist listings in here!!

here is the first one..

http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/w4m/844369226.html

wtf?

[Tar Heel]

I will give you a KIDNEY for 2 OBAMA Tickets for tonights speech!

Date: 2008-08-28, 11:35AM MDT



Are you in need of an extra kidney? Know of someone who needs one? I have 2 good kidneys which is a little excessive. Ill give you one of them for two tickets to tonight's speech. I live in Denver and tried to get tickets the minute they were announced. Somehow the first come first serve registration did not work since I was put on the waitlist.

So, I need two tickets for me and my girlfriend. I have an extra kidney. You take said organ, I take 2 tickets for this historic speech.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/816812526.1.jpg http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/816812526.2.jpg



Location: Broomfield
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/816812526.html

[Tar Heel]

Seeking Adult Drunk Clown for 30th Birthday party

Date: 2008-08-26, 3:22PM CDT



We need an Adult Drunk Clown who is good at getting drunk and stupid. No need to do any clown tricks, just hang out and drink a shit load. We will be hopping around to different bars and want a clown to tag a long and drink heavely. He doesn't even need to socialize with anyone, just drink.

the birthday is on Friday, Sept. 5th in Bucktown. Oh, did I mention that the clown needs to get shitfaced. Don't worry, we will purchase all the drinks.





it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: We will pay per hour and cover all the drinks

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/814181712.html

[Willam]

Seeking Adult Drunk Clown for 30th Birthday party

Date: 2008-08-26, 3:22PM CDT



We need an Adult Drunk Clown who is good at getting drunk and stupid. No need to do any clown tricks, just hang out and drink a shit load. We will be hopping around to different bars and want a clown to tag a long and drink heavely. He doesn't even need to socialize with anyone, just drink.

the birthday is on Friday, Sept. 5th in Bucktown. Oh, did I mention that the clown needs to get shitfaced. Don't worry, we will purchase all the drinks.





it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: We will pay per hour and cover all the drinks
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/814181712.html



Finally! A job I'm qualified for!

[Night Hawk]

SWF with HIV looking for love - 32 (Apopka)



For those of you responding to this just to judge me...take your crap somewhere else, at least I'm honest which is better than what I can say for most of you. If you judge someone else that must mean YOU have something to hide.

I am a single white female that is HIV positive. I'm 5'3" 150 pounds and average in looks , don’t smoke, drink occasionally and prefer someone else that does NOT smoke or is a heavy drinker. I like movies, dining out, theme parks, beach…just about anything except clubs or the bar scene. I have a great sense of humor and love a man that can keep up with it. I am not a gold digger and believe a relationship should be 50/50. I am looking for an INDEPENDENT single male between the ages of 28 - 40 that is positive as well or willing to accept me for who I am. Must be in Orlando area. Race is not important however I do have a biracial child (does not live with me full time), so you must be able to accept that. I am looking for a REAL man that knows how to treat a woman right. I am not looking for bs games. I am looking for a SERIOUS relationship. I am tired of meeting dead beat men that don't know how to treat a woman right or don’t know what a relationship is about. I need and deserve better than that. If you already have a girlfriend or wife, please do not reply. I am not open to everyone about my situation, but I have to be honest getting into something new. If you would like to know more, please email me and give a little information about yourself as well.

http://orlando.craigslist.org/w4m/842212268.html


I am a single white female that is HIV positive. I'm 5'3" 150 pounds and average in looks ,


So... Ur Short... Fat.... Average looking face.... With HIV....

And what do i get out of this?

[Tar Heel]

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/det/794605266.html

My women

Date: 2008-08-13, 6:40AM EDT

Laura. You were hot. I was not. You let me fuck you because I was funny. Thank you.

Kim. We smoked a lot of weed and drank all the time. I don't remember much.

Sarah. You were hot. But a total bitch. I could have done better. You treated me like shit. I put up with it because you had a great vagina. Beautiful.

Another Kim. You thought you were smart. You weren't. I was bored.

Charlee. I liked your name and the way it was spelled.

Rachel. You were really sweet and nice. Stop emailing me. It's been fifteen years. It's creeping me out and pissing off my wife. Fucking classmates.com.

Megan. I wanted you since highschool. I was kinda dissapointed when it happened.

Jennifer. What the hell was I thinking? What the hell were you thinking? You smelled kinda funny too. Your dad was a dick.

Jill. You had HUGE nipples. Couldn't feel a thing though. Shame all that nippleage going to waste.

Michelle. You were a drug addict. You have to be pretty fucked up for me of all people to say that.

Another Megan. I lost your number.

Laura. I did it for the novelty of going out with a girl that I went out with ten years before. You were still hot. I got kinda hot. We were better matched. Thanks again. Sorry I dumped you. You were a shitty tipper. I had no choice. Some handsome and cool shitty tipping guy probably grabbed you. Or some funny wanker.

Another another Megan. I've dated a lot of Megans. This one was no prize.

Debby. You were really smart except you had no self esteem. Be careful or some asshole is going to own you and that would be sad. You're smart and pretty and have great tits. Smaller tits can be awesome too.

Sophia. Liked your name. Liked that you worked out a lot. You seemed nice but you fucked up my credit. User.

Andrea. You had that adorable petit look that I can only call the "Penelope Cruz" look. Too bad you didn't have her personality.

Emily. NOBODY FUCKING CARES YOUR FAMILY IS RICH. You'd be okay if you were not preoccupied with wealth you did not personally aquire.

Dr. Sanderson. You worked to much. You were kinda cold. I thought you were cool though but you are so career motivated you probably did not give a shit about anything else. I got drunk once and thought about asking you to marry me though. I still wonder if you would have.

Elizabeth. You are my wife. My wife is perfect. My life is perfect.

Violet. You are my daughter. When I looked in on you tonight I had that rush of feeling so strong that a shiver went through my whole body and I had to move my hands really quickly to dissipate it's physical effect. Before I met you I was a "kids are no big deal, everyone's got kids and they're not that fucking special" kinda guy. You fucking ruined me. I'm gay for kids now. I love you so much baby.

My unborn 6 month old fetal daughter. If you come out retarded or ugly as shit I'll still love and protect you.




Location: Gaults Gulch
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 794605266

[Tar Heel]

Manly Bike for Sale

Date: 2008-07-22, 10:18AM PDT



Bike for sale


What kind of bike? I don't know, I'm not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick ass spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you're way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan's mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying "FUCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME".



The bike says Giant on the side because it's referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy shit so I said no way.



The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad ass you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that's bad ass in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you're going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you're probably a dickless lizard who doesn't like to look intimidating.



The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some shit and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you're going to love this thing because it doesn't try to penetrate your ass or anything.



I've topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you're just a regular man you'll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total:


Gear 1 - Sissy Gear
Gear 2 - Less Sissy Gear
Gear 3 - Least Sissy Gear
Gear 4 - Boy Gear
Gear 5 - Pre-teen Boy Gear
Gear 6 - Manly Gear
Gear 7 - Big Muscles Gear

I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest.


Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull's testicles and tells people you don't fuck around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves "Hey asshole, touch this bike and I'll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four".


Bike is for 150 OBO (and don't give me no panzy prices)



it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 765370039

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/765370039.html

[The GWD]

I had never really browsed craigslist before, just sold some stuff. There's greatness to be found. This guy's pretty honest.

http://kpr.craigslist.org/cas/843884485.html


Looking To Suck Some Dick!!!!!!!! - m4m - 21 (KPR)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-843884485@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-09-16, 10:01PM PDT

Tittle says it all!! I am lookin to suck any and all dicks tonight..
Only two requirements
**MUST BE DD FREE**
**NO RECIP**
Pics get priority
****Daddy types a plus***


Location: KPR
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 843884485

[Tar Heel]

ass cleaning tips

Date: 2008-07-15, 11:51AM EDT



Ass cleaning tips


I have mastered the art of cleaning my stool hall and I want to share it with you losers who simply lather your wash cloth with some soap and do a quick reach around..THAT WILL NOT CLEAN YOUR ASS!!!! You need to spend at least 5 minutes in that area to have maximun cleanage. How would you feel if you were a girl/guy and while you were licking some guys sausage you get a nice whiff of some anal grease and dingleberries from a soft textured turd that required about 12 wipes in the public restroom? You think it's clean but it is NOT!!! Here are some tips:

Tip 1: After dropping the fecal children off at the pool, you can either use some babywipes (my personal favorite) or you can use a technique I learned from an ex-girlfriend of mine, you wet the toilet paper and proceed to wipe front-to-back, NOT back-to-front. You risk sliding some of the grease beneath your ball sack which creates another problem. This only applies to those who do not get what is called a perfect excrement session aka.."A Clean Break" to where the ca-ca breaks off completely and all you have to do is wipe the water off your gluteus after the initial plop.

Tip 2: Shave the hair off around your rectal, nuts and butt crack. This is just common knowledge, if you dont you risk piling up a weeks worth of dingleberries and in rare occasions, creation of shit dreadlocks to where the ca-ca firmly laminates itself to the ass hair and it twists together as you walk. This is more likely to happen to those who wear boxers because of the free "airflow" and those who dont shower often because you give the poop time to dry up like cement.

Tip 3: Jump into a public pool or spa. This is just as effective as a shower or even better because you get maximum "soakage" and it requires less work such and combats lazy reach arounds in the shower. Believe it or not, that is the only useful purpose for public pools, I think of them as gigantic bathtubs that goggle up loose ass hairs, dingleberries and makes a great place to take a quick pee. If I find myself in that situation, I just jump in the pool on one end, pee then swim to the other end, do a couple quick 360's under water then jump out the shallow side and dry off.

Tip 4: Go to the beach and be a good samaritan, jump into the ocean and "feed the fish", fish LOVE dung, I have 2 goldfish and they are always sucking eachothers doo-doo holes. Get a nice, salty ass treatment. For those of you who gets bumps after shaving your pubes or ass, this is a great to dry those up. Just simply go out past the waves a bit, however, dont be too obvious if you are going to release some bait into the ocean. Flop around a bit, move around because if you sit still people will become suspicious and besides the poop might float up to the surface quickly. Fish will love you for it!

Tip 5: Woman love to get manicures and pedicures, I call this the "assicure" It has a meaningful name Ass I Cure, it's self explanitory..yes, it is up to you to cure that hideous ass smell and here is how you do it in the shower. Pamper yourself, get the water luke warm and try to get the shower nozzle to propel the water quickly. Begin by turning in the opposite direction of the shower, about 180 degrees to where the nozzle in shooting directly down your ass crack. Position yourself at a 90 degree angle, butt up nice and high, reach around and spread your butt cheeks and let the water do its magic. The object is to really clean out the crevices of your brown eye, wedged up about a 1/4 inch of the butthole is some fecal matter that masks itself like a bat in a cave. This will allow the water to loosen it up for the wash cloth lathering. The next step is to lather your wash cloth with some bodywash or soap bar. Reach around and scrub it good, go ahead and wrap the towel around a finger of choice (i use my middle finger) and put that finger up your asshole and move it around in a circular motion. Go ahead and scrub nice and good up the butt crack to make sure you get all the grease. After you are done, rinse well then repeat step 1.

ADDITIONAL NOTE: Putting your finger in your ass doesnt make you gay, it might burn a bit. For those guys who insist on having anal sex with their girlfriends all the time, if you think one finger hurts, go ahead and use two fingers and see how it feels. It feels like a massive shit you take in the morning after a night of drinking and eating the 4 slices of jalepeno pepper pizza.

That is all for now party people, hope this hass been insightful. I would love some feedback from possible success stories.

Please read some of them now.

" I would like to thank you for your ass cleaning tips, it has changed my life. My g/f is giving me head all day and night"

"Wow, my ass has never been cleaner. I feel more confident and got my dream job"

"I love to feed the fish, thanks Rick...my ass used to be filled with pimples and anal grease but now my ass is as smooth as a babies bottom, I feel like a kid again, thanks"

" I used to mask my ass smell with cologne and other junk, I have tried so many other techniques but yours is by far the best. I am now engaged to a playboy model"

Siskel & Roeper give it "Two middle fingers up"

P.S. I AM OFFERING FREE SERVICE TO LADIES WHO WANT TO GIVE ME HEAD JUST TO SEE HOW A PROFESSIONAL COLON CLEANSING SHOULD BE LIKE

[fuldstændigamok]

INTELLIGENT, cultured, 22y/o wm seeking Asian women (pref. Nihonese)

Date: 2008-10-16, 3:29AM EDT


Hello ladies of the internet!

I am here today, as are you, to find the love of my life ideally. Now, I am an introspective and reflective man so over my life I've come to realise exactly what I'm looking for in my ideal woman.

Personally, I am 22 years old, my name is Perseus, I am attending U of T in the final year of my Engineering degree, and I am a little on the chubby side. I am a dedicated Green party voter and staunchly opposed to the Conversative hordes dashing themselves against the impregnable Liberal/NDP/Green keep of our fine enlightened city. I am fond of discussing philosophy and the meaning of life over a glass of wine in the 'even. As hobbies go, I am an avid gamer and enjoy delving into the myriad artistic realities of animé (the origin of my affinity for Asian culture, which is frankly superior).

You MUST fulfill the following requirements:
- Asian
- Woman
- Aged NO MORE THAN 23
- - and NO LESS THAN 16
- Petite build. Ideally no more than 115 lbs.
- - but no 'Paris Hilton' bulimics please! I like my women with some meat on them.
- Like sushi, animé, and video games.

BONUSES include:
- Japanese heritage
- Large collection of animé and manga
- Glasses
- Interest in cosplay and roleplaying
- Traditional Ladies' education

I must stress again that this is for a SERIOUS, long term relationship. Not some 'fling' as though I were a boy toy to be tossed aside.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/881177993.jpg



Location: Toronto
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

The smile does it all...

[Pharon]

Its simple

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-908595414@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-11-06, 4:52PM EST

I want to be pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen cooking you gourmet meals and raisin' our kids. I want a minimum of 6. You have to be rich enough for all of us to live comfortably and send them to college. Old fashioned 1950's home life. (except you're not allowed to beat me)

Is this what you want? send me a pic and basic info about yourself

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 908595414

http://boston.craigslist.org/gbs/w4m/908595414.html

[Tar Heel]

The guy who mugged me - m4m

Date: 2008-10-18, 2:59PM EDT



Thanks chief, you really made my evening. I was just thinking a few days ago "wow it's be a while since anyone stuck a gun in my face" Then you came along like a soft breeze in the night.

I think you did a pretty good job, however I could offer a few pointers.

1. After someone has turned out their pockets, that means they are empty.
2. If I don't have a wallet why would I have a bank card?
3. While I didn't have anything in them, I had more pockets than you checked.
4. People often times hide money/drugs in their shoes or socks. Make sure to check those on your next target.
5. A simple please and thank you are always welcome
6. I can understand why you took my cellphone, you didn't want me calling the cops. But really, it's the only thing I had. Why not just strip the battery or something? I really needed that. Plus the thing is like 8 years old, you can't even sell it. Jerk.
7. Pick better targets, Occams razor might help here. If he looks poor then it leads to believe that he is poor. Why risk jail time, and serious time at that over a poor guy, at least get some cash outta the deal.
8. By being a African American mugger you are really reinforcing stereotypes.

I hope this helps mugger, I really hope you are enjoying my phone. I kept calling but you won't pick up. I'm so sad :(

Also, quick note to the cops. A guy at 3 in the morning jumping up and down and waving his arms in an X shape over his head needs help, he is NOT waving hello. But thanks for smiling and waving back, really made my night.

To the cars who wouldn't stop for me in south oakland, looking back I don't blame you. I hear there are criminals on the streets.


Location: Parkview ave
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 884255877

[Hoser]

LEARNING HOW TO MAKE OUT - M4W - m4w - 19 (Downtown)

Reply to: pers-926487255@craigslist.org (pers-926487255@craigslist.org?subject=LEARNING%20HOW%20 TO%20MAKE%20OUT%20-%20M4W%20-%20m4w%20-%2019%20%28Downtown%29) [? (http://www.craigslist.org/about/help/replying_to_posts)]
Date: 2008-11-19, 11:37PM EST


I've posted essentially the same ad in the past, and I had no luck, so I suppose this'll be the last time I'll try. I'm 19 years old, and as of yet, have had little luck with the ladies despite my tall height, good build and (so I'm told often) good looks. Essentially what I'm looking for is a girl who will not only teach me how to make out, but presumably enjoy my company. I'm not necessarily looking for something specific or even complex. If you are a girl, and making out strikes you as fun, then go ahead and reply. This doesn't have to be a more-than-one-time thing, but if we both decide we'd like it to be, it can.

Reply with a picture; its the fastest way to get an arrangement. (;
All emails will be responded to.

Until then!







Location: Downtown
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


PostingID: 926487255


Can I have your nylons? NSA - m4w - 30 (Cobourg to Oshawa)

Reply to: pers-925917172@craigslist.org (pers-925917172@craigslist.org?subject=Can%20I%20have%20 your%20nylons%3f%20%20NSA%20-%20m4w%20-%2030%20%28Cobourg%20to%20Oshawa%29) [? (http://www.craigslist.org/about/help/replying_to_posts)]
Date: 2008-11-19, 3:54PM EST


Thirty year old male looking for an older woman (40-65) who would let me have a pair of her nylons. No strings attached.

Any size and shape welcome, non-smokers preferred.

Email for details.







Location: Cobourg to Oshawa
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


PostingID: 925917172

I WANT THE KINKIEST little girl in town... Dirty Dirty DIRTY!!!! - m4w (TORONTO)

Reply to: pers-923001015@craigslist.org (pers-923001015@craigslist.org?subject=I%20WANT%20THE%20 KINKIEST%20little%20girl%20in%20town...%20Dirty%20 Dirty%20DIRTY%21%21%21%21%20-%20m4w%20%28TORONTO%29) [? (http://www.craigslist.org/about/help/replying_to_posts)]
Date: 2008-11-17, 3:47PM EST


No games and no silly email nonsense. I am looking for a very REAL woman who gets drenched when savagely fucked in every tight little hole and who drips when her hair is pulled, her ass spanked, her nipples tortured with candle wax & pinching fingers, and other parts of her choked, gagged, and slapped... No vanilla here - I want a horny and depraved little whore who wants to give herself over to a Dominant man Who will proceed to strip off her clothes, use her body in every way He chooses, and show his appreciation with shots of cum across her face, neck and chest. There will be absolute safety and mutual respect but in bed you WILL be My whore and WILL take it anyway I choose to give it... If you resist, you will be slapped and fucked even harder. Your hair will be pulled and your throat gripped to the point of light-headedness as I pound you for as long as I desire.

About me: I am a very handsome, average fit, 5’9” tall, and well-endowed with this little dark side to share with the right woman. Brown eyes, sharp features, and a never-ending desire for rough and wild fucking (with that right woman I will know within minutes of meeting you if you are that wild slut).

I won't bruise any part of you that shows when clothed, but I won't hesitate to slap your ass, breasts, or face with my hands or My cock if the situation demands it. When you suck My cock, I want so much enthusiasm that you can't help but gag mildly... When I pound your pussy, I want you to whimper My name... And when I slide into that tight ass, I want to see the apprehension in your face as I spread you and begin thrusting harder.

Please, only truly kinky sweeties need apply. I will send along a pic or two in exchange for some of yours. If you have none then send a little note telling me how this post affected you and be ready to meet. You will likely be wearing my cum by the end of our first date so be ready and eager to truly indulge. Interested? Then send along a little note (no e-mail after e-mail); if you are not prepared to meet don’t respond- otherwise expect to talk right away.

Do as you're told! http://images.craigslist.org/1f61251g13n53m13l68bh6bb401c3f87910e7.jpg






Location: TORONTO
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


PostingID: 923001015

I am pretty sure that past one is going to end up in jail at some point




Is there any good men out there????? - 32 (st clair/vp)

Reply to: pers-923930422@craigslist.org (pers-923930422@craigslist.org?subject=Is%20there%20any% 20good%20men%20out%20there%3f%3f%3f%3f%3f%20-%2032%20%28st%20clair/vp%29) [? (http://www.craigslist.org/about/help/replying_to_posts)]
Date: 2008-11-18, 10:14AM EST


I am a hopeless romantic looking for the same in a man. someone who is not into headgames. someone who will love me for me and vice versa. I enjoy dinners, walks, movies and travel. If you would like to know more, email me. and please email a pic! I am the middle on in the pic http://images.craigslist.org/12b1g61403k93m23pe8bi6546d0405e491915.jpg






Location: st clair/vp
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


PostingID: 923930422


HAHA like she had to mention she was in the middle.

[Skybase]

Nissan Ninja Hauler Kicks Ass and Takes Names Silently

http://cache.gawker.com/assets/images/2008/12/custom_1228166442280_nissanninja.jpg

NINJA HAULER: 2005 Nissan Xterra - $12900 (Ronan / Lake County)
OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.
It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.
This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is).
No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It's saved my bacon more than once.
It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.
My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.
There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.
Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.
To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.
Rock on.

[The GWD]

Can I get a link on that last ad?

[Skybase]

Looks like it was just flagged for removal.
http://montana.craigslist.org/cto/941704797.html
Nothing to look at there now tho.

[Quantum Leap]

This is just pure clusterfuck.

TO FIND YOUR LOST PET-----ALL PETS----MUST READ (everywhere)

Reply to: comm-928344352@craigslist.org (comm-928344352@craigslist.org?subject=TO%20FIND%20YOUR% 20LOST%20PET-----ALL%20PETS----MUST%20READ%20%28everywhere%29) [? (http://www.craigslist.org/about/help/replying_to_posts)]
Date: 2008-11-21, 11:17AM CST


I HAVE BEEN VERY FORTUNATE IN FINDING ALL OF MY LOST PETS AND MANY OTHER PEOPLES LOST PETS.( WHEN THEY GO MISSING IN OUR EREA MY SONS AND I GO LOOKING AND TRY TO HELP )------DON'T BE SHY------- ACT FAST-------- CALL-------------------------( POLICE ( THEY PATROL 24 HOURS. )-------CAB COMPANY ( THEY DRIVE AROUND 24 HOURS )--------LOCAL RADIO STATION>>> (THEY SAY IT ON THE AIR SO LISTENERS HEAR IT)--------VET-------------HUMANE SOCIETY------ USE FLYERS WITH PETS PHOTO, YOUR PETS NAME, INFORMATION AND YOUR PHONE NUMBER,PUT AT LOCAL GAS STATIONS ( COULD EVEN TAPE IT BY GAS PUMPS ) OR USE BULLETINE BOARDS (ALSO LAUNDRYMATS, GROCERY STORES ECT>>> AND BEST ON ELECTRIC POLES AT STOPSIGN INTERSECTIONS IN SURROUNGING AREAS WHERE YOUR PET WENT MISSING ( PEOPLE DO LOOK AT THEM )IN 1980 THE WISCONSIN DELLS POLICE FOUND MY 2--13YR. OLD DOGS(BISHON AND A SHITZU) AFTER BEING MISSING FOR DAYS DURING A BLIZZARD AT NOAHS ARK WATER PARK AT 2 A.M. WEE HOURS OF THE MORNING -- BEST TO TELL COPS AND CABS THEY ARE DRIVING THE COMMUNITY 24 HRS EVERYDAY THEIR JOB IS TO SERVE THE PUBLIC MANY HAVE LOVED PETS THEIRSELVES----LASTLY IN 1996 I TOOK IN MY BOSS'S CAT,SOON AFTER SHE RAN OUT THE DOOR-----EVERY DAY / NIGHT FOR OVER 3 MONTHS I YELLED HER NAME TO NO AVAIL.I WAS DEVESTATED. MY MOM DIED MY NIECE BOUGHT THE HOUSE OUT FROM UNDER ME I HAD ONE DAY LEFT-----I PRAYED AS USUAL AND THOUGHT OF A LIVETRAP WITH PEOPLE FOOD IN IT -----( NEVER SAW ONE BEFORE-----COUPLE HOURS BEFORE I HAD TO GO------- AFTER OVER 3 MONTHS------THERE SHE WAS-------THANK GOD TILL THIS DAY. SHE'S BEEN A IMPORTANT LOVED PART OF OUR FAMILY SINCE SO IF LOST NEAR HOME TRY THE LIVETRAP I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE HER IN IT BUT I DID----LIVETRAPS AT PLACES LIKE FARM AND FLEET-----SOME HUMANE SOCIETIES WILL LOAN THEM IF YOU EXPLAIN SITUATION-----HOPE AND PRAY FOR YOUR FRIENDS RETURN BELIEVE IT CAN BE -----I'll BE PRAYING FOR ALL LOST PETS THATS WHAT I DO.







Location: everywhere
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


PostingID: 928344352

[xfancy]

my personal favorite
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/35274458.html

WARNING!!!

Date: 2004-07-01, 2:15PM PDT


Don't Shave That Hair!!!
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting.

No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.

I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know.

I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.

Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.

Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."

Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!



PostingID: 35274458

[moe_blunts]

SEEKING DEAF FUCKPUPPET - m4w - 20 (SHUTUP YOU DEAF BITCH)

Reply to: pers-971803032@craigslist.org (pers-971803032@craigslist.org?subject=SEEKING%20DEAF%20 FUCKPUPPET%20-%20m4w%20-%2020%20%28SHUTUP%20YOU%20DEAF%20BITCH%29) [? (http://www.craigslist.org/about/help/replying_to_posts)]
Date: 2008-12-28, 2:15AM CST


I AM DRUNK.
BUT I AM HONEST.
I WANT TO FUCK, PARDON, MAKE LOVE, TO A DEAF WOMAN, IN THE WAY THAT COULD ONLY BE EXPRESSED THROUGH A BUCK CHERRY SONG.
I WOULD LIKE TO CONDUCT A SYMPHONY, OF MUMBLES AND GARGLES. NO NEED TO GAG YOU, CONSIDERING GOD TOOK CARE OF THAT ALREADY.
PLEASE, I DONT MEAN TO BE OFFENSIVE, OR CRUDE. BUT LETS FACE IT. YOU ARE DISABLED. AND I AM A PRIME SPECIMEN OF HUMAN EXISTENCE. I HEAR (NO PUN INTENDED) THAT DEAF GIRLS ARE GOOD WITH THEIR HANDS, HAHA, JUST KIDDING, YOU DEAF BITCH; YOU ARENT GOOD WITH ANYTHING.
DADDY ISSSUES, BECAUSE HE DID NOT SIGN "HUG" ENOUGH ARE A PLUS.



http://austin.craigslist.org/cas/971803032.html

[Baxter54]

All the tenants I interview aren't good enough (Broadway and Commercial)

Reply to: pers-964514051@craigslist.org [? (http://www.craigslist.org/about/help/replying_to_posts)]
Date: 2008-12-19, 6:05PM PST


I am a born again Christian. Why is this a problem for people????! I have a house that's MINE and I PAID FOR IT. I also have a basement apartment for rent. It's a great space for I'm charing very little for it, $480 monthly, for the right tenant. I know it's ILLEGAL to require a Christian in the apartment, against the human rights. That's why I NEVER put this in my ad. Why then does it keep getting taken down?

HERE IS THE AD I POSTED, AND THE AD THAT KEEPS GETTING REMOVED:

Available Immediately – Broadway and Commercial – Showing Saturday and Sunday – Email for directions and additional information.

What kind of apartment is it?

• One bedroom basement apartment with separate entrance
• Tastefully decorated with modern décor
• Approximately 650 square feet
• There is even a window! Security bars installed for your safety and to prevent unauthorized activity
• Closed circuit camera installed for security and safety. One in your suite, one at the entrance, and one in the exercise yard

Rent:
• $480.00 per month
• First month’s rent + ½ month security deposit due at move in
• Small pet allowed with approval and payment of additional ½ month pet damage deposit
• One year lease permitted, option to renew lease at end of the term with no increase in rent
• LANDLORD’S SPECIAL! Move in before January 1st and don’t pay for the remainder of December! That’s significant savings.

Included in the rent:

• Electricity
• Heat – Maintained at 21 degrees with lock box to prevent unauthorized tampering. Additional heating available for $20.00 per extra degree of heating per month. You may not use your oven to heat the apartment. If you do, you will be fined $50.00 per occurrence.
• Air conditioning – Maintained at 25 degrees during the summer with lock box to prevent extra cooling from being dispensed. Additional cooling for sale for $20.00 per degree of cooling requested per month.
• 25" Zenith color television set with basic cable service - INCLUDED IN RENT!
• Wireless internet (with content filter applied to block forbidden/immoral websites) - INCLUDED IN RENT!
• Provision of coin laundry services - You will have your own personal coin laundry washer and dryer machines. Washers and dryers are paid using a token system. Tokens can be purchased through the landlord. Washer tokens cost $4.15 each and dryer tokens cost $3.60 each. You are not allowed to use foreign
currency or slugs in the washer and dryer. Violators will be fined $100.00 per infraction.

About us: (Landlords)

We are conservative, bible believing, God-fearing, born again, evangelical Christians. We interpret the bible literally in every way possible. We live a strict moral code and observe God’s laws in our everyday life. My wife stays at home and teaches our home-schooled children. I work as a pastor at a local congregation and am active in the faith community.

About you: (Tenant)

• You are employed
• You do not participate in lascivious deviant sexual behavior
• You do not choose alternative lifestyles as your lifestyle
• You do not have any criminal history
• You must have excellent character references
• You do not smoke, drink or take drugs. Mandatory drug screening required.


Additional Rules/Conditions:

CLEANLINESS: You are responsible for the cleanliness and orderliness of
your apartment. Beds are to be made before leaving your suite,
countertops must be wiped down, and you must remove all trash. Upon
inspection, if the tenant's basement suite is not clean, the cost of
cleaning services plus a fine of $100.00 will be levied.
LIGHTS: The lights in your basement suite and in the day room are not to
be tampered with. If a light needs repair, report the condition to the
Landlord.
WAKE-UP: Wake up will be at 5:30am each morning. All ceiling lights in
the suite will be turned on automatically.
LIGHTS OUT: Ceiling lights in the suite will be turned off at 11:30pm.
CONTRABAND: The following items are considered contraband – alcohol, illegal drugs, tobacco, weapons, lock picking equipment. If any contraband is discovered to be in your possession, you will be subject to a minimum $1,000.00 fine. In addition, your items will be confiscated permanently. Second offense – you will be evicted without notice. A bailiff will escort you and your belongings off the premises. Your security deposit will not be returned.
SMOKING: The basement suite is non-smoking. Anyone in possession of
tobacco products of any kind or any lighter or matches, will have their
contraband items confiscated and will be fined $100.00.
INSPECTIONS: The Landlord will conduct unannounced inspections to ensure
that these rules and regulations are being followed.
VISITATION: Visitation periods will be on Saturdays and Sundays from
1:00 p.m. until 3:00 p.m. All visitors and their vehicles are subject
to search while on landlord property. Refusal to allow a search can
result in their being barred from all future visitation privileges. All
visitors must sign the Visitor's Log. Unauthorized visitors will be
escorted from the property, and the tenant will be fined $250.00.
I.D. BRACELETS: Each tenant will be issued an I.D. bracelet with his/her
photograph. It must be worn at all times. If you lose your I.D.
bracelet or it is broken, you will be required to purchase a new one at
the nominal cost of $5.00.
EXERCISE YARD: The tenant will have access to the exercise yard in the
area to the back of the property for 2 hours per day from 4:00 pm to
6:00 pm. The tenant is not allowed to bring any personal property to
the exercise yard. Once the tenant leaves the exercise yard on a
particular day, he or she may not return. No boisterous behavior is
allowed in the exercise yard. There is no smoking allowed in the
exercise yard. Minimum fine for exercise yard infractions is $50.00.








Location: Broadway and Commercial
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


http://vancouver.en.craigslist.ca/rnr/964514051.html

[comicfan]

well this has to be a joke post on craiglist.. no one would be this silly to think they will get a renter with this ad

[Nature's Folly]

This guy wants a prisoner not a tennet.

[oculus]

SWF with HIV looking for love - 32 (Apopka)



For those of you responding to this just to judge me...take your crap somewhere else, at least I'm honest which is better than what I can say for most of you. If you judge someone else that must mean YOU have something to hide.

I am a single white female that is HIV positive. I'm 5'3" 150 pounds and average in looks , don’t smoke, drink occasionally and prefer someone else that does NOT smoke or is a heavy drinker. I like movies, dining out, theme parks, beach…just about anything except clubs or the bar scene. I have a great sense of humor and love a man that can keep up with it. I am not a gold digger and believe a relationship should be 50/50. I am looking for an INDEPENDENT single male between the ages of 28 - 40 that is positive as well or willing to accept me for who I am. Must be in Orlando area. Race is not important however I do have a biracial child (does not live with me full time), so you must be able to accept that. I am looking for a REAL man that knows how to treat a woman right. I am not looking for bs games. I am looking for a SERIOUS relationship. I am tired of meeting dead beat men that don't know how to treat a woman right or don’t know what a relationship is about. I need and deserve better than that. If you already have a girlfriend or wife, please do not reply. I am not open to everyone about my situation, but I have to be honest getting into something new. If you would like to know more, please email me and give a little information about yourself as well.

http://orlando.craigslist.org/w4m/842212268.html





So... Ur Short... Fat.... Average looking face.... With HIV....

And what do i get out of this?

..anal

[dick_darlington]

Could you love a girl with herpes? - 24 (Chicago)

Reply to: pers-1002527666@craigslist.org (pers-1002527666@craigslist.org?subject=Could%20you%20lo ve%20a%20girl%20with%20herpes%3f%20-%2024%20%28Chicago%29) [? (http://www.craigslist.org/about/help/replying_to_posts)]
Date: 2009-01-21, 9:00PM CST


I bet your wondering how I contracted the STD... While at a wedding a very unfortunate event happened to me. I was asked by a friend to retrieve wine from a cellar, during a wedding reception. While in the cellar a drunken guest took advantage of me. And no I was not drunk and I never found out who he was. I don’t seek pity, I am a strong person.

I take meds everyday... and I practice safe sex using the ‘love glove’. I am not interested in passing the STD to others.

This message is not a joke. So if you’re interested e-mail me.

24' Female, Half Puerto Rican and black, thick/ curvy, loving & kind. I am looking for a male (preferably of Euro-decent) between the ages of 23-35 who is romantic, kind, loving, wants an exclusive relationship. Would never hurt me.

I'm easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Creative. Original. Leader not a follower. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive (but I don't want people to know it). Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Social. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Has an attractive personality. One guy kinda girl. Loveable. Easily hurt. Loves music. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Takes time to recover when hurt. Down-to-Earth. Stubborn.

No mean messages please.

And remember 1 out of 5 people have the virus, love yourself and use a condom. not as bad as the one with the hiv.. still bad.

[The Dude]

Craigslist (http://boston.craigslist.org/gbs/rnr/1023647414.html) - Punch Me in Face for $100 (Allston)

Reply to: pers-1023647414@craigslist.org (pers-1023647414@craigslist.org?subject=Punch%20Me%20in% 20Face%20for%20$100%20%28Allston%29) [? (http://www.craigslist.org/about/help/replying_to_posts)]
Date: 2009-02-06, 2:32PM EST

Are you frustrated and sick of the state of things? Economy got you down? Pissed about the war in Iraq? Do you have a lot of pent up aggression and need a healthy outlet to realease it through?

If you answered yes to any of these questions then today is your lucky day!

For only $100 I will let you punch me in the face.

Here are the guidelines:

-Money up front, CASH ONLY
-No crow hopping. Planted foot punches only
-1 punch per customer per day
-Face only. No rabbit punches to the back of the dome or anything below the belt
-All punches are final. If you swing and miss thats your punch!
-I will be wearing a mouth guard. In the event of knocked out teeth, I keep the teeth
-I have the right to refuse any potential punchers for any reason what so ever

My Money Back Guarantee:

If I move or hit you back you will automatically be refunded your money.

Please, serious inquiries only



Location: Allston
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


PostingID: 1023647414

[noahsdove]

Location: Allston

I love living in Mass.

[fuldstændigamok]

Re: Facesitter - w4m

Date: 2009-02-02, 1:01PM GMT


You are fucking kidding, right? Just so I've got this straight; you want me to lick your pussy for hours and pay you for it??

I'll tell you what.... instead, why not pop round to my flat, worship my feet, suck my cock, make me cum and swallow the lot, then make me dinner, tidy my flat, wash up and do my ironing while I play Gran Tourismo (don't worry - I'll lift my feet up so you can hoover round me). And then you can leave the cash on the table on your way out.

[smahoo]

Has the definition for "decent" changed?

Many times throughout the day I find myself at a slow point with work, or just in need of a break, so I peruse CL. I have never posted or replied to an ad on CL (this is my first, yah me!) but I do have a very curious streak about me and the forums make me giggle. Every time I find myself on the personals it’s the same thing:

MWM, MBM, MWF, MBF (…and so forth and so one) and they’re all looking for someone who can be “discrete”…What gets me about it is that when they describe themselves they all use the same key word…DECENT…

“I am a decent person, professional…” “I am a decent person, Mother…”

Has someone written Webster to let him know that the definition for decent has been updated?

Last I checked decent meant, well fuck, decent. I’m sorry but just because the ONLY thing you do “wrong” in life is commit adultery; you are not a DECENT person. Just because you’ve made it 42 years and never robbed a bank, or molested children, or beat your spouse/kids, or become a drug addict does not give you the right to self categorize yourself as decent. You are not decent, you are an adulterer. I know we all read the book ‘The Scarlet Letter’…Bet you thought she was pretty decent too. What’s worst of all is you’re probably the same person that will go out Saturday night after a successful hit on CL and wear some prostitutes panties on your head while she deep throats the cock and then get up on Sunday and go to church with your family and praise God (like you’ve really pulled one over on him) because it’s the decent thing to do. I don’t care what your problems are at home. An affair will not fix anything. It’s a total cop out to say “my wife/husband doesn’t satisfy me”, or “we just don’t talk anymore”. Here’s the deal, if you love them, and you love them enough, you will do whatever it takes to make it work. Sacrifice is very common in a marriage and if you are just too selfish to offer sacrifice in regards to saving your marriage then you probably should just leave before the damage you’re doing is irreversible. Shrinks aren’t covered by all insurances Asshole… If you have tried to resolve your problems and nothing came of it, well sorry then its time for you to put on your big boy/girl pants and be a fucking adult and end it. I was married for 3 years, 3 LONG years. I was miserable for the last 2. I NEVER cheated. I worked on my marriage. I refused to just co-exist with someone because it’s “easier” than basically starting your life over. Once I realized that nothing was getting better, I cut my losses and walked away. So the next time you’re making a CL ad and you've decided to describe yourself as decent, think about this…If you’re so decent, then why do you have to be so discrete?

I can’t just knock on the people posting the ads; here it comes to the responders:

How dare you…What gives you the right? How can you feel anything but humiliation and shame for what you do? We’ve all seen the TV shows where people are caught in certain situations with married people…It’s always the same, the face is blurred out and the voice is changed. If you’re so decent then why take certain measures to hide your shame once the affair becomes less than discrete? If you’re doing something that you would be ashamed of, then you’re probably not as decent as you thought you were…


http://houston.craigslist.org/rnr/1146250272.html

somebody skipped their prozac

[mongo]

Java Googles Upsizing

Date: 2009-02-27, 6:45AM MST


The last programmer I hired told me I accidentally deleted all the java googles in my script folder. He was charging me an arm and a leg to fix it.
Apparently it all needs to be converted to a Norton Anti-Virus file so it can be searchable with a SEO blog widget, so i have to reprogram the flash or upsize it with PHP.

I just can't afford to keep paying him to fix this problem.
This may lead to other opportunities for the right person.



it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: according to abilities


PostingID: 1052576173

[Pharon]

http://houston.craigslist.org/rnr/1146250272.html

somebody skipped their prozac
I lol'd at this response:

re: Has the definition for "decent" changed? (Baytown) (Oh mercy get off the soap box prude.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-9vm2j-1146380203@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-04-29, 3:22PM CDT


I'll clue you in on a little secret....

PEOPLE HAVE NEEDS.

If their significant other ain't fukkin them right, they will go elsewhere.

The "Decent" thing to do is make DAMN sure your significant other is SATISFIED, otherwise you run the risk of infidelity. If it takes licking her pussy or sucking his dick EVERY MORNING before work...DO IT. When they get home...DO IT.

So many men and women think that just because you are in a relationship that you can just leave someone to their own devices. Women think once a week or month is OK. Men think the "minuteman" sex is supposed to be adequate. NOT on both counts.

Partner want's to try something different, kinky, off the norm??? Get to it, don't hesitate, git-r-done.

Every once in a while, ask them, "Any fantasy you want to try? Can I do anything different to please you? Don't get pissed if she wants a bigger cock, get a rubber strap-on from Christies and stretch that pussy out and push that cherry so far back she could use it for tail lights. He wants you to stick a finger in his ass when you deep throat his dick, lube it and wind him up like a toy soldier.

Don't be afraid to ask your mate for something. If the love is strong, then it will persevere, if not, then it wasn't meant to be nor will it stand the test of time anyway.

The swingers I know have it right. Do it as a couple, never separately. If both are there to enjoy it ain't cheating.

Be yourself, be happy, enjoy "sex-ploration" as a together as loving "decent" people do.

http://houston.craigslist.org/rnr/1146380203.html

[smahoo]

i dont love you anymore (cheaterswife)

Yes sweetheart...you were my high school sweetheart. after 10 yrs of marriage, you went and had an affair, i was so heart broken i almost took my own life, i left you and realized i couldnt live with out you. i came back home, stuck to fucken 40gms of prozac, i gained 25lbs after loosing 20lbs. i could barely breath, function or even think...not even my children could bring me out of this rot you got me into. well guess waht sweet heart...I dont love you anymore. i am home because of the kids, i am still making love to you every night so that you pay the mortgage, i cook you breakfast, lunch and dinner so that you shut the fuck up...guess what...I DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE!!

I GAVE YOU 100% OF ME, WORKED MY ASS OFF AT A FULL TIME JOB AND STILL WORKED HARD TO KEEP YOU HAPPY...I DID ALL YOU WANTED OF ME, SEX WAS NEVER A PROBLEM..YOU ASKED FOR ANAL YOU GOT IT, YOU ASKED FOR ORAL YOU GOT IT...YOU WERE GREAT...THE ORGAMS YOU GAVE ME WHERE AMAZING!! BUT GUESS WAHT HONEY...I DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE..I CANT STAND IT WHEN YOU KISS ME, I CANT STAND IT WHEN YOU TOUCH ME...YOUR PRESENCE ANNOYS ME!!

but when you come home tonight, i will have dinner ready, like usual, you will help our boys get ready for bed, read a bed time story and tell them how mcuh oyou love them, we will have great sex, both of us will cum...then you will hold me and tell me you love me, i will kiss you back and tell you "me too"

BUT GUESS WHAT HONEY, YOU BROKE MY HEART...I DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE..THERE IS NOT ANOTHER MAN IN MY LIFE, I DONT HAVE A CRUSH ON ANOTHER LOSER, I JUST DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE =(

I DIDNT EXPECT THIS TO HAPPEN, i thought the counseling would get me through this, i know its been over a yr since your affair,...but you broke my heart and i dont love you anymore...


give W H a hug for me, i am sure the bitch misses you!!@@!@



i love a woman on the edge...

http://houston.craigslist.org/rnr/1168941073.html

[Willam]

i love a woman on the edge...

http://houston.craigslist.org/rnr/1168941073.html



That's just really fucking sad.

[smahoo]

Why Rush Limbaugh Ought to Be Force-Fed His Own Liposuctioned Fat (Cheney Reacharound Edition)

When former Vice President Dick Cheney paused in his sodomizing of Bob Shieffer's Face the Nation to give Rush Limbaugh a little reacharound hand job action (while shitting on Colin Powell's head - it's really quite a complicated move), you knew that Limbaugh would be as grateful as he is when the local Chinese buffet brings out a new tray of sweet and sour pork in the middle of his dining experience. His hand stretched around Limbaugh's girth like an elastic band on a sack of jello, Cheney needed only his thumb and forefinger to clutch the radio host's burnt wick of a cock and yank it as Shieffer spit out pubes to ask Cheney, between Limbaugh and Powell, "Where do you come down?"

Waggling Limbaugh's penis like a Play-Doh worm, Cheney responded, "Well, if I had to choose in terms of being a Republican, I’d go with Rush Limbaugh, I think." Limbaugh, who only lets a handful of people fuck his ass with their pricks, moaned jowlingly as he had a tickle of an orgasm. Cheney wiped his fingers on Limbaugh's shirt and turned back to Shieffer, gesturing at his un-mouthed cock to indicate that Shieffer ought to get to back to the interview.

It didn't take long for Limbaugh to pen an encomium to the wealthy ranch owner. Titled "What Motivates Dick Cheney?" the porcine peddler of paranoia offered his listeners a lesson yesterday in absurd justification that would make Hermann Goering say, "Why the fuck didn't I think of that?" just before sucking down cyanide.

For you see, Dick Cheney is not a self-serving man. No, he doesn't need anything from us, says Limbaugh: "Dick Cheney has all the millions he needs. He doesn't need money. He has no future political ambitions. He coulda run in 2000; he coulda run in 2008; he doesn't want to run for elective office anymore. What motivates him? He's not hot for interns. He's not a torture freak." The Rude Pundit's not sure what a "torture freak" is in Limbaugh's world, although he's pretty sure Limbaugh's got the leather mask to prove his point.

In fact, this becomes the refrain through the entire monologue: "What motivates Dick Cheney? He knows the media hate his guts. He knows the media hate George W. Bush. He has all the money he needs. He has no political ambitions. He's not hot for interns. He's not a torture freak." Does one get to bang interns if one proudly proclaims that torture works? It's confusing.

Finally, Limbaugh answers his question: "Dick Cheney is one lone voice in the Republican Party. What motivates Dick Cheney? He's not hot for interns. He has all the money he needs. He's not a torture freak. He doesn't want to run for political office. Dick Cheney is motivated by love for his country."

First off, can you imagine how fucking proud Limbaugh was when he was sitting pantsless in his double-reinforced Herman Miller chair and he thought about how poetic his repetition would sound? It's like T.S. Eliot for the severely retarded.

And, yeah, Dick Cheney was motivated by love for "his" country. The problem is that Dick Cheney's United States is not the United States of the rest of us. In fact, it's not really the United States at all. His nation compromises every principle to reach an indeterminate end. Our nation believes those principles are what make us a nation in the first place.




http://houston.craigslist.org/rnr/1167305787.html

[Tar Heel]

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/slc/1052576173.html

The last programmer I hired told me I accidentally deleted all the java googles in my script folder. He was charging me an arm and a leg to fix it.
Apparently it all needs to be converted to a Norton Anti-Virus file so it can be searchable with a SEO blog widget, so i have to reprogram the flash or upsize it with PHP.

I just can't afford to keep paying him to fix this problem.
This may lead to other opportunities for the right person.

[Tar Heel]

Husband wants a rusty trombone for his birthday

Date: 2009-04-27, 8:03PM EDT


My husband has asked for a rusty trombone for his birthday, which is Wednesday. I've scoured the pawn shops and music stores, and I haven't found one. I am guessing that rusty ones will be cheaper than new ones, and I don't know what the big deal is, but it's what he wants and he is very specific about it. I could have bought a dozen new ones at this point, but he says that a rusty trombone is nostalgic for him, so I suppose it will mean more. If you selling (or even giving away) a rusty trombone, please let me know what you have, how much it costs and how I can get it (will you deliver it, or will I have to go to you?). Also, suggestions on how to wrap such a thing? Please help, I am down to the wire on this thing and I don't like being this late with a gift!!!

[Tar Heel]

I need your eyesore,please help

Date: 2009-05-13, 2:04PM PDT


I had a nice hedge on my property line, but my neighbor said it was a ratty eyesore and killed it. I would like a bus? a train car? huge peice of rusted heavy equiptment?? This is not a joke If you have something huge and ugly you need to be rid of perhaps we can help eachother out! I would prefer something tall and ominous but will consider any old peice of shit. Wreckage from a airplane would also fit the bill. Also, if part of it squeekes in the wind or is highly reflective in the sun that would be a plus

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1169369888.html

[fuldstændigamok]

Woman to sit in my bath tub full of noodles, wearing a bathing suit.
Date: 2009-04-29, 1:39AM EDT


I will pay you $1 USD to sit in my bathtub full of noodles while you wear a one piece bathing suit.

I will not be home, nor will anyone else while you do this.

I will leave the key for you, and you will sit at your leisure.

I will require at least a 5 minutes stay.

A neighbor will watch the front door from across the street and using a supplied stopwatch, will time your entry and departure.

Please supply your own footwear.

The noodles will be cooked, and therefore slippery.

DO NOT bring any sauce. I will season the pasta after I return home prior to dinner.




* Location: Pittsburgh, Northside
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: $1 USD

PostingID: 1145392897